Lives Between Walls

“Hello?” I repeated, my eyes never departing from Sipho. He still had his phone to his ear and was staring at me with disbelief. This was it. He would realise I had been lying to him this whole time, and that this man he was sitting with, was actually the girl he had been chatting to over the internet. My heart was beating so hard, I felt my chest would explode. The suspense was just too much. However, to my relief, I heard a lady answer on the other side of the call. “Hello, may I speak to Jessica?” I breathed out a long sigh of relief, followed by nervous laughter. “Yes, err, speaking,” I trembled. Sipho, lowered his phone and I heard him mumbling something about the number being engaged. “How much are you currently paying on your cellphone contract Ms. Vermaak?” The voice continued. By that time I had not even been listening, I thought to myself, “Could it be, that this call came just as Sipho was calling my number?” The voice spoke again, “Ms. Vermaak? Are you still there?” The phone was quaking in my hand, “Oh hey, sorry could you repeat that?” I watched as Sipho put his phone on his ear again. I was trying to stall the call operator as long as I could so Sipho’s phone call wouldn’t get through. “Yes,” I replied, “I am interested in a new contract, please tell me more.” I was prepared to buy the damn phone, as long as I could avoid Sipho finding out the truth about me that day. It was a stupid decision to come and see him, I regretted it. Our relationship was not ready for this. I should have just been content with us chatting on the internet dating site. How is he going to react now when he finds out that the guy he is sitting with is actually a woman, and not just any woman, but the woman he had been talking to on the app? “Well, Jessica, we have a wide variety on deals that you can choose from. Tell me,” the woman replied in an enthusiastic voice, blissfully unaware of the drama that was unfolding at that moment, “How much do you currently spend on airtime?” I cringed as I heard my phone notify me that there was an incoming call in the background. It was a series of consecutive beeps – I knew it was Sipho, as I saw him on his phone across the table from me. How had he gotten my number was beyond me.

I watched his face shrivel with frustration as he realised that the phone had been engaged. I could not afford to get off that phone. “Umm, I spend around R500 mam. R500 to R600,” I stammered. I wasn’t even sure if that had been true. Actually I spent much less than that as the only people I called was my grandma. My parents had disowned me so we didn’t really talk at all. I used to talk to a lady from my church – that was before I was asked to leave because my condition was a ‘stumbling block to other believers.’ “I’m sorry Jessica, but it is difficult,” she had said to me that day. “Don’t tell me you are on the church’s side?!” I barked in disbelief. “No of course not,” she had reassured me, “but I think its for the best that you leave Jessica, for your own sake. People here struggle to accept you and they will only persecute you and hurt you. Maybe find another church that will show you more acceptance.” I remember I had burst out of her house that day in tears. I had tried to find a church for the next couple of months but it was no use. I would meet some friendly people who showed God’s love to me, but when they found out that I was actually a woman and not a man, I would feel them back away slowly. For those of you who haven’t been following the last few stories, I have hirutism, a disease that is as a result of excessive male hormones in a woman’s body. Thus that is why I possess male features, such as a beard, and a flat chest. In my mind I know that I am a woman, but my body says something else. I didn’t ask to be made this way, this is how God made me, and now I have no place in society. I need love but clearly people like me are not worth it. Not even my family deemed me worthy of love. Sipho was my last hope, and we seemed to connect on the internet, and I don’t want to lose that.

Sipho put his phone down on the table as the waiter came back with our orders. “Here’s your order sir,” he said as he gave Sipho his drink, then he turned to look at me, “and a Sprite for the… lady. Sorry I mean gentleman.” Sh*t! My heart skipped several beats. What was this idiot waiter doing?! Sipho laughed, “Hey do you need a pair of glasses mate? How can you possibly confuse him for a lady? ” The waiter put his hand on his forehead, “I’m terribly sorry, I must be really tired now. Been working since 7am in the morning.” He smiled. Sipho waved at him as he walked off, “It’s cool my mate, I don’t think he heard you,” he said as he glanced at me, still on my phone. Of course I heard that! I watched the waiter walk off, but not before he winked at me. My face went white. I finally realised who that waiter was. We had gone to the same high school together. He was one of the people who had bullied me, and one of the reasons why I had dropped out of school! Sh*t! This was bad. I had to get out of there. I wonder if he knew about the whole situation at that table. He was going to ruin everything! I should tell Sipho first before he hears it from that jackass.

Finally 10 minutes later, and a new phone contract later, me and Sipho sat in silence as we sipped on our drinks. I had decided to put my phone on silent after that phone call so as to avoid any other awkward scenarios – or just in case Sipho tried to call me again. “Looks like our dates are not coming dude,” Sipho said to me. “Oh yeah,” I replied, “I’m sure they have good reasons.”

“I’m glad you can be so optimistic. I think it is really selfish of them. I mean Jessica could have told me that she had changed her mind – instead of making me wait here.”

“Umm, well that’s true. But it must be something serious, maybe she had to go the doctor or something.”

“Still though, a message would have been appreciated! I thought she was a cool girl”

“Trust me, she is a cool girl.”

“Wait, how would you know? Have you dated her before?”

“No no! Of course not. I was just saying, have more faith in her.”

“It would be really funny if we were waiting for the same girl here.”

“Yeah it would be.”

“Tell me about your date.”

“Listen Sipho, I must tell you something”

“What? Are you also dating her?”

“No! About me”

“What is it?”

“This is so difficult for me. But what would you say if you found out that the person you were waiting for is not what you expected?”

“What do you mean bra?”

“If perhaps it turns out that they have a certain disease or abnormality?”

“Well, they would have to tell me that, so I can make a decision in light of the new information.”

“So it is possible that you could still love that person?”

“Most definitely.”

“Would you be horrible to them when they told you?”

“Of course not, I’m not a monster.”

“Okay well, my date is… you.”

Sipho’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe that I had actually said that. “What I mean is, he kind of reminds me of you, you guys have the same height,” I stammered, instantly regretting it. I can’t believe I had been so stupid. “Right, so he is a guy after all?” Sipho replied, looking slightly uncomfortable. I just can’t do it. Not yet, I don’t want to lose him – I can’t take rejection again. Then I had an idea to escape this situation. “Umm, I just need to quickly go to the bathroom,” I said as I dashed off to the ladies.

I was going to log onto the app, and apologize for not being able to meet him today, and reschedule for another time. I felt that today was not the right time to tell him. I would ease him into it. A chubby blonde lady glanced at me as I entered into the ladies room, “Where do you think you’re going pervert?” Then I remembered that people saw me as a man. Normally I used the ladies toilet, I usually wear a scarf so people don’t perceive that I am a male. But this time round, I couldn’t risk Sipho finding out that I was Jessica yet. I apologized and went off into the men’s toilet. There were two young men using the urinal who glanced at me as I dashed off into one of the cubicles and sat on the toilet. I was going to put an end to this once and for all. I pulled out the phone from my pocket, and logged onto the dating app. I started sending messages to Sipho telling him that I was sorry that I wasn’t able to make it, and that we should reschedule our meeting to some other time. Once I had sent those messages, I breathed out a sigh of relief. “There Jessica, all done,” I had said to myself.

When I came back from the toilet, I froze. There at our table, was the waiter, and Sipho talking together. The waiter was laughing and Sipho seemed shocked and in disbelief. He turned to look at me standing there. “There she is,” the waiter pointed in my direction, “ask her yourself!”