Lives Between Walls

“How was choir rehearsal today, babe?”
“It was really good hey, I’m really looking forward to Sunday, you should come,” I said to Nate.
“Okay, I will babe, anyway can I see you later? I have something I wanna show you.”
“For sure, I miss you so much”
“Me too Love, I will pick you up around 6:30.”
“Okay Babe,” I smiled, already looking forward to see his handsome face again.
“Babe?” He paused. “Yes, handsome face,” I replied.
“I love you Candice,” the sincerity in his sexy voice made my heart do a somersault.
“Mmm I love you too baby,” I can never get tired of hearing him say that to me. “Cut!” Yelled the director, causing me to snap back to reality.

Candice was blessed with the most amazing relationship. I always wondered what it would be like to have something like that for myself. Did relationships like that even exist off stage? “Okay great work Jamilla, let’s do another take after lunch, with more passion this time,” the director’s voice boomed from behind the cameras and lights. I nodded in his direction as I took a long gulp of my Valpre still water. Playing Candice gave me perspective on my own life. Often it discouraged me. I wish I could be her. She was beautiful, talented, ambitious and every man’s dream woman. I on the other hand, was a single mom, in my thirties living a very boring life. A modern woman, living the so called ‘American dream’ – a rat trapped in the corporate world. Everyday I would wake up and drive to work, spend 8 hours there, go home and be a mother to my child. “Jamilla, you work too hard dear,” my mother would say. “I have to mother, I don’t ever want to be dependant on any man. Plus I want Judd to have the best life that money can buy,” I would always say in my defence. She would smile and say, “Just remember baby, there’s more to life than your work.” I remember the day she passed away, those words had rung even louder in my psyche. Especially when I landed the role of Candice in this TV series. Candice was the woman I wanted to be – she was free, she could be herself, she could travel the world, spend time with her family and most of all she was with the man she loved. I was jealous of her. I wanted her life.

During lunch I sat at one of the outdoor tables in the yard. That was one of my favourite spaces as it faced the street and I could get to watch people go by as I ate. Also the space was nice and warm because of the direct sunlight there. “I can’t believe my fiance is eating such unhealthy foods, I thought she hated those,” Ricardo, the guy who was playing my fiance on set, pulled up a chair beside me. I managed a weak smile and replied, “Well, it would seem that your fiance is not who you thought she was.” He winked at me, “That’s it, the wedding is off then,” he replied laughing loudly at his own joke. I glanced at the ring on his hand as he started unwrapping the foil from his lunch – obviously packed by wifey dearest. “So how’s wifey doing?” I asked him as I began to munch on my Macdonalds fries. I had just been too lazy to cook yesterday so I had decided to buy Judd and his babysitter Macdonalds when I had come home late last night. He sighed, “She’s okay.” I laughed, “Oh oh, that sigh sounds like trouble in paradise.” Ricardo cocked his bushy eyebrows, obviously this was something he was uncomfortable talking about. With my hand I gently stroked his exposed hairy arm, “C’mon fiance, you can tell me.” I hated that I had to wait until we were behind the camera until I could touch him, kiss him and have him hold me in his big strong arms. Behind the camera, the rules of this reality did not apply. His ring meant nothing once we were there, he was mine and he knew it as well. He glanced at me, still unsure, “Well, it’s the whole acting thing that’s got the lady worked up,” he replied finally. “I get it, Juhani doesn’t like the idea of her man getting intimate with other women behind the camera? Right?” I asked in my most innocent voice. “Something like that, yeah. Even though I explained to her that this is totally professional. And besides, it helps to feed our family since she is not working at the moment,” Ricardo explained. Oh Lord was he sexy. Just watching him eat sent off many chemical reactions within my body. He was the reason I looked forward to coming to work. Even though it was all acting, it felt so real when he looked at me on set. The sensation I felt from his burning eyes as they pierced into mine, and he told me that he loved me, and that I was the only girl for him – that can’t have been all acting! I wonder if he also didn’t get confused as to what was reality and what was not. I recall the scene when we had to kiss for the first time. According to the script, Ricardo had to grab me while I was talking and kiss me passionately, pinning me against the wall in his office. That was the first time I had felt the sensation of his lips against mine, the texture, the warmth – it was magical. Even though that scene has passed, that feeling has never left me since. I would do anything for that again, even if it only meant getting it when we were in front of the camera. “Well you should just ask her not to watch the show then if it bothers her,” I replied after I was done day dreaming. “Yeah I suppose,” he replied as he gobbled down the last part of his sandwich. He was a good guy, loyal, church going, with principles and all that shit. He would never cheat on his wife, I know that. However, it wasn’t cheating if it was in front of the camera. That was our loophole.

I walked with Ricardo back to the studio after we had finished having lunch. The director was having a smoke just few paces away from the main entrance. “Hey Ric, I’ll catch up with you later, just wanna chat to the ol’ big man,” I said as I strolled over to the director. He seemed amused as he saw me coming, “What can I do for you this time Jamilla?” I smirked, “You know exactly what I want, and you need to make good on your promises.” The director shook his head, “Look I can’t just do an intimate scene out of the blue Jamilla, the relationship, the characters need to develop first. Surely you understand that.” I was irritated by now, as I had been trying to get him to do it for a month. “Look I won’t ask you again, if you don’t add that to the script, I will have to tell people about ‘you know what,’ and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that. Can’t imagine that would be good for your little career.” I smiled as I watched shame wash over his face. I hated having to stoop so low, but Ricardo was all I wanted. I know he wanted me too, and if ‘in the name of acting,’ was the only place where we could be together, then I would stop at nothing to make that happen.

“Did he agree?” Ricardo asked me later on. “He agreed,” I smiled.