“I love the neck line on that one, add that thin belt to define that waist, and you’re good to go,” Summer chimed enthusiastically. For a 16 year old, my daughter sure knew a lot about fashion and dressing up different body types; my aspiring fashion designer.
“Nana, shouldn’t I wear pants instead? I mean won’t this dress attract all sorts of attention?”
“Mom, you know the only eyes that will be on you tonight will be Dad’s. Whenever I think of a beautiful couple and true love, I think of you guys. I want my husband to look at me the way daddy looks at you.”
“Ncaw, come here sweet cheeks,” I said as I pinched her chubby cheeks and kissed her little fringed forehead. “Mama you’re gonna mess your lipstick up!” She whined as she tried to shoo me off.
Summer was right, Jim and I were in love. I guess a part of me still felt like I didn’t deserve him. He worked extra hard to make sure we spend time together and go on date nights like these, even with his busy schedule. I should just set aside my insecurities and enjoy myself tonight. Oh and I had quite a few of those, especially about my body. I was so ‘over’ getting compliments about my body, and that’s all Jim showered me with these days. I understand that he was only trying to reassure me, but I wanted him to also tell me how he felt about me, to tell me that I was smart, funny, and I was a good cook, whatever, anything besides my body! It had been quite difficult to lose weight after giving birth to Summer, but I was doing my best. Maybe I should be grateful for him being that supportive.
I stepped out into the lounge, my eyes immediately landing on his perfectly tucked in white dress shirt that complimented his slender figure, he had on navy pants and his brown shoes, the ones that I liked. His blue eyes widened as he saw me walk towards him, raising his hands to wrap around my waist. I leaned in for a kiss.
“You look absolutely breathtaking darling,” he whispered in my ear, as I pulled away.
“Why thank you love, and you look like the handsome king that you are,” I smiled looking at him for what seemed like forever. A love like this could only be a blessing. What a cost it had been though. People seldom see the cost of love. “Thank you baby, let’s go, we don’t wanna lose our reservation,” he smiled.
We had on our date night playlist, J was the djay this time round, while I was doing the driving – switching it up kept the relationship spicy.
“But I need you, can’t stand you, I want you, but damn you, back and forth, and back, What should we do?” He sang along with Toni Braxton. I laughed because he was using the USB stick as a mic, “Hahaha J, you’re so dumb,” I exclaimed. “Your part is coming up, sing, sing, sing baby,” he laughed while nudging me repeatedly. “When love is like a roller coaster, always up and down, whoooo… What shall doooo!” I sung along.
Stepping out of the car, I helped J out and off we went, hand in hand into that vintage themed restaurant. Jim had once taken me there before, but it had since been revamped significantly. I honestly felt like a scene right out of a 1980’s Italian movie as me and J strode in there, hand in hand. The tables were adorned in candles, the charming leather couches clustered around them felt quite intimate. There were a moderate number of people there, and as usual we were the center of attention. J would nickname us the ‘head turners.’
“Father, thank you for this food, bless the hands that have made it and and the stomachs that are going to receive it, amen,” he prayed. I playfully shoved him while mimicking his hoarse voice, “Oh God bless not only our stomachs, but our intestines as well!” He shoved me back, as I nearly fell off that couch we had been sitting on. “You might as well name all the body parts J,” I continued teasing him. We were quite playful in the way we interacted. We were more like friends.
After we had enjoyed a hearty pasta and something meal, and downed a few glasses of wine, we went a short distance towards the harbour, where I sat on a bench overlooking the numerous fishing boats over the serene Jekku lake – Jim’s wheelchair beside me. The stars had never looked so clear that night. There was a chilly breeze that evening, nudging me to snuggle closer into J’s warm body. He responded by tightening his grip around my shoulder. I gazed up at the sky, there was a band of them clustered together, resembling a misty belt. “Oh lookie love, that must be an arm of the milky way!” I exclaimed. It was so beautiful. We loved astronomy. He pointed at one of the stars and made me aware that it was Alpha Centuri, our nearest star, or something like that. “Make a wish love,” he said, his gaze firmly fixed on the star. “Mmm,” I thought for a while. What could I have wished for? I had everything I ever wanted, a beautiful daughter, wonderful home, a man who loved me, what more could a woman ask for? I guess the only thing missing was Jim’s legs. But then I remembered how things used to be before the accident. Jim was… someone different when he still had his legs. Our marriage had become quite boring and monotonous. It’s almost as though his legs limited us, physical intimacy was as far as we went in terms of getting to know each other. I had longed for deep conversations with him, but we had never gotten that far. I had longed for a friend, but all I had gotten was a ‘fuck boy,’ for lack of a better term. The sex had been good though I’ll admit, but since then I’ve realised that it takes more than sex to build a marriage. That’s probably why we were at the brink of divorce. After the accident, I would really say that our intimacy really moved into another dimension, as we were forced to get to know each other beyond the physical – emotionally and spiritually. We never got to do with sex in the way. “Do you really think we can do this Jane?” He had asked me, teary eyed after the doctor had told him that he would never be able to engage in any sexual activity again. “Honey,” I had wrapped my hand around his on that hospital bed, “I’m not going to let you go, not now.” That was probably the best decision of my life, otherwise I would not have known a love like this – the love I had craved, the love that broke him, but the love that had made me whole. I’ll admit, it was a bit hard at first. I remember one time he had given me consent to go out and sleep with any guy that I wanted. “I understand that you have needs love, and because of my condition I am unable to fulfill those needs,” he had said to me. He was right, I did have needs as a woman, but I could have never even considered doing something like that to him. Initially I had refused but eventually I’m ashamed to say that I did finally give in, just out of curiosity I guess. But at least I didn’t do it in the same neighourhood as I wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of running into the guy again, or worse, running into that guy while I was out with Jim. So I remember I packed my suitcases and took a plane to Mexico, where I did it no strings attached with some bushy eyebrow-ed Mexican stranger – didn’t even disclose my name. Jim had paid for the flight ticket. Afterwards though, I had felt horrible and dirty – and it didn’t bring the satisfaction I had hoped for. I remember crying all night in Jim’s arms when I returned home. Jim blamed himself for the longest time. From then on we made a decision to never do anything like that again – but unfortunately, some decisions have more permanent repercussions than others. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell my daughter Summer, the truth about her real dad.
“Mmm, I wish,” I thought for a moment, “I wish we could fly to Alpha Centuri.” Jim smiled. Honestly, I would not change anything about our lives. It was a perfect mess, shards of broken glass, glistening in the sunlight’s beauty. People largely think perfection will bring happiness and so that is what they strive for, sacrificing the important things – but I had found happiness in the mess. I glanced at him, “What do you wish for honey?” He mused for a while, gazing into the lake. “That we could fly to Alpha Centuri love.”
Lives Between Walls 