Lives Between Walls

Nobody had warned me that being dead would be this lonely. An eerie silence, the loneliness is unbearable – trapped within my own body. Like being inside a large house with no doors – trapped. We really don’t know what it’s like to be totally alone. If we would experience it, even for one minute, the introvert would immediately become a socialite.

There’s no one else here with me. Yet, I hear murmuring outside. I feel I want to scream, but fear chokes my voice into a tiny whimper. How terrifying, being trapped in one’s own body. How did I get here? “Can anybody hear me?!” I cried. My echo responded, almost with slight glee. It was so dark. I tried to feel around me, the darkness so intense, one could almost swim in it. I could feel my claustrophobia kicking in. Was I dead? Was I in hell? No I can’t be dead, if I can still feel fear and dread. That means my brain was still working, right? All those years studying neuroscience could not help me here. My had logic failed me. “Somebody help me!! Is anybody there?” I screamed once more frantically. My echo taunted me again. I tried hard to still my fear, so I could hear the murmurings coming from outside my body.

After a while, I could recognize the voice, it was my uncle Xolani. “Malume!!” I shouted, desperately hoping that he would hear me and wake me up out of this stupor. “Oh Ricci,” I heard him say to me, the body me, softly, “Why did I have to take you on that boat trip?” His voice was soaked in deep regret. “Wait what are you talking about?” I asked, as realisation slowly began to creep up on me. I heard another voice say, “You couldn’t have known Mr. Ndlovu. Secondary drowning is something most people are not informed about.” Secondary drowning? Then it hit me like a fist, my last memory before waking up here. I had gone fishing with my uncle on that Sunday afternoon at Orchid lake. I remember the wind, our boat capsizing and falling deep into the water. I would have drowned if Malume hadn’t jumped in to rescue me and pump the water out of my stomach. We even joked about it that night over supper. The last thing I remember was going to sleep that night. Clearly I never woke up.

“Let me out of here!” I panicked. I started thinking about the reality of my situation. Where they going to put me into a coffin and bury me like this? Would I be trapped like this for all eternity? “Nooooo! I’m here Xolani!!” I yelled out in tears, my voice beginning to burn out. What the in the world was going on. I could still hear the faint murmuring outside, but I could not see a thing. “Oh fuck!” I scrambled trying to feel for anything around me within this indescribable darkness – anything. This was worse than a nightmare, at least in a nightmare you have the monsters for company. I don’t think any of us have ever experienced what it is like to be truly alone and isolated – not like this. My patients who used to suffer from depression have not truly suffered anything yet.

It is terrifying, it was almost as though the darkness was starting to penetrate into me, like I was drowning in it. I felt it go through my nose and mouth until it filled my being. I became so heavy, I started falling. Down and down a chasm with no end. I couldn’t scream, the darkness was so heavy it felt like I had something in my mouth and stomach. This sense of falling seemed to carry on for about an hour or an eternity – I couldn’t really guage time, given the circumstances I’m sure you can understand. Eventually the feeling of falling stopped when it seemed as though I landed on some surface with a thud.

I gasped, panting like a dog, as the darkness immediately poured out of my mouth and out of my body – I was light again. “Is anybody there?” I shouted as I sensed for the first time, another presence in that darkness. I can’t describe it, I just sensed it – a disturbance in the darkness. It gave me chills down my neck, even more so when a voice said behind me, “Hello Ricci.” I spun around frantically in the direction of the voice. The tone of the voice was non-threatening, but had me on edge. “Who who.. are you? You’re not going to hurt me right?” There was silence. I continued, now more desperately, even though I was a bit relieved that I was not alone anymore, and I didn’t want this voice to go away. “Are you the one responsible for this?” I asked. “It’s been quite difficult to get your attention dear. I’m sorry I had to do it this way – but now that you are here, we can start.” Start? What did the voice mean, ‘start?’ “Wait, start with what?!” I yelled. I frantically started swinging my arms in the direction of the voice, trying to feel who or what I was talking to. We don’t realise how frustrating it is to not be able to feel or see anything. This was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I couldn’t even feel the ground below my feet – yet I knew I was standing on something.

And then suddenly, in an instant there was light – blinding for a moment. When my eyes finally adjusted and I saw what stood in front of me, I longed for the darkness once more.