Lives Between Walls

It’s not a formula, this God thing. Most people think God is like a vending machine – where you put something in, and something comes out. Like a computer – inputs and outputs. Or like an algorithm, where one can simply create and program a piece of software to respond how he wants it to respond based on certain inputs. The funny thing is, God is an algorithm to many people. See, human beings cannot operate without software, just as computers cannot either. Hardware means nothing without software, it is what makes that hardware work. I don’t care if you have the most sophisticated processors and GPU’s, without good software, it will not function at its optimum capacity. And that software is your God concept. It’s funny how software manufacturers will always send you updates for your computer, saying if you don’t update your software your hardware won’t perform as well. I am here as that manufacturer as well, saying, if you don’t update your God concept, life can never go optimally for you. An up to date God concept is not only the key to peace, joy and health, but also eternal life. Eternal life, is essentially an accurate God concept. Hell, is an inaccurate God concept. Do you see how important what I’m saying is?

In this life, we can only know God through an ‘algorithm’ that we create in our mind based on what we think God is. And none of us can ever get this right because we have never seen Him. From time to time our algorithm will be incorrect, and we will have to update it accordingly. But the closer it is to who God is, the better our lives become. Hmm, that would be quite a cool title for a book by the way; Algorithms of God. But anyways, back to my point. It’s not a formula this God thing – a lesson that took me 40 years to learn! 40 years to learn that it’s not going to church that will make your life great, but it’s God who makes your life great and you go to church out of gratitude to Him who made your life great. Religion is not a fix, but rather an expression of thanks for what God did. Sigh. I have been called many things since I started sharing these teachings – a black sheep, a false prophet, and my personal favourite, the prodigal son. These religious people have built a system that blocks out any new revelation from God. They are a firewall that blocks out any new updates from the manufacturer! How many other people find themselves bound under orthodox religion, following blindly and scared to question lest they should be seen as deceived or not holy enough. If Martin Luther had not questioned, where would the faith movement be now? We’d still be paying money to the Popes so we can be forgiven of our sins. If Paul didn’t start sharing the gospel with the non-Jewish heathen like us, where would we be? The gospel would still be with the Jews only. That is how God works, he takes one man, and pulls him out and uses him to revive worship! To re-ignite the fire that once burned brightly. The church and religious movements try to suppress this. They do not see God doing a new thing, they see heresy. They do not see an update from the manufacturer, but they see a virus! You can tell I am IT person, but isn’t it amazing how one can draw out the God concept from anything? It’s because God is everywhere. Even in the man made things. So man is without excuse for having the incorrect God concept.

I had a passion for computers growing up. But I never pursued it, because I believed that all these secular professions were a waste of time. I was taught that anything that takes my love away from God, was evil. A voice even spoke to me once telling me that I should throw away my computer. And I did so without questioning because I was taught never to question God. I was taught that God spoke to you through voices, and he might ask you to give up everything for him and take up your cross. I lost my passion for anything in life, as a result it made it very difficult for me to relate to young boys my age when I was in school. I became something of an alien, as I would always be the subject of jokes. I was never interested in girls at that time because I believed that they evoked ungodly desires within me. I became so isolated, and so heavenly minded, my only escape was religion. That was were I was most joyful, at the church is where I felt the most accepted and loved. I went over and above when it came to church duties, and the leadership rewarded me with the love and approval that I so desperately craved. “Warren is such a man of God,” one of the elders would say to me infront of everyone, as I packed the chairs after service. “Thank you sir,” I would reply. I started dedicating more and more of my time to the church. Till ultimately I would end up becoming a youth pastor and then all the way to a church Father, having taken a vow of celibacy. And there I was, safe. I wouldn’t have to have any dealings with the world anymore, all the love, appreciation and affection I needed, was in the church. I wonder how many religious people give up so much for religion because they are running away from worldly responsibility; Responsibility to grow and become better people and learn to deal with life’s challenges. The church became to me like a Tropical Paradise in the midst of a desert world. And I feel this is what it becomes to most people who feel too weak, or have such a low self esteem to take on the world. All that talent, all that skill that God has gifted you with, you have buried in the church, instead of using it out there in the world where it is needed. “And that was me, Ezmi, until I decided to get off the train with you and start my life over. I am so grateful we met today, and that I sat next to you on that train. Otherwise I would still be stuck there all my life – wasting it.”

You gaze at me with those wide dark brown eyes, listening attentively to me explain my story as we walked towards your flat. It seemed like a lifetime ago when I had decided to get off the train with you, a stranger. It was probably the most reckless thing I had ever done in my life, and the adrenaline of it was still rushing up and down my body. It was so cold, it was in the peak of winter, but your hand felt so warm in mine. “Well,” you say as you grin at me, “I’m glad I could be of help as well.” We carry on walking, with the sound of our shoes ‘klip klopping’ on that pavement. Bright lights from passing cars illuminated us every now and then; this Church Father and this young woman walking hand in hand, at 9pm in the night. From the outside it probably didn’t look good. Thank goodness there were not too many people outside. I took my cross off and put it into my jacket, just so we didn’t draw too much attention. Soon we reached a quaint little villa along the street. I followed you up the stairs, and watched you insert your key into the lock and push that blue door open. You walk in and for a moment I hesitate on the steps. You turn around and smirk at me, “Are you having second thoughts Warren?” I stumble over my words, “Umm… well no, I just.” I was having second thoughts. Was I really at the right place? Was I going to throw away my whole identity in one night? “You’re welcome to go back to the train,” you smile as you begin to push your door closed. “No,” I reached out and held the door, “I have already made up my mind.” I walked in and you close the door behind me. I look around, you have quite a cosy place – great open plan studio apartment; even a fire place. I see books strewn on the table, and some of your clothes hanging on your bicycle. “Excuse the mess,” you say as you walk towards the kitchen, “I wasn’t expecting visitors today.” I walk towards the blue couch and take a seat. I take off my backpack and place it on the floor. “I see you love the colour blue,” I say as I look around the room, “Blue couch, blue carpet, blue kitchen tiles… oh except the pink hair.” You emerge from behind the kitchen counter with a lighter and some old newspaper. “Well, I don’t know why. Perhaps colour just has a calming effect on me.” You kneel down and ignite the logs that are already in the fireplace. I take off my jacket as the fireplace comes to life, the flames engulfing the wood with crackling, and beginning to heat up that apartment. “You can tell alot about a person by their favourite colour,” I continue as I rub my hands together vigorously, trying to generate some heat. You are stoking the fire, when you turn around to look at me with an amused smile, “Oh yeah? Please do tell.”

“People who like blue are usually depressed.”

“Oh really!”

“Yes really. Haven’t you heard of Monday blues?”

“Well, I think your discernment of character is not very good Father Warren.”

“Well, it was good enough to discern that I could trust you.”

“Why makes you so sure that I won’t kill you in your sleep?”

“Because you know God.”

“Ha! You religious folk are so naive. What if I told you that that was all an act on the train?”

“Something inside me tells me that it wasn’t, and that you are what I have been waiting for all my life.”

You sigh, and stand up from the fire place and come to sit next to me on that blue couch, your legs inches away from mine. Your thighs gleaming with the fires’ glow – again I find my gaze caught on them. I force my eyes away to find you staring into mine. I am getting uncomfortable now, and my eyes are darting back and forth. You grin when you notice my discomfort. “What do you really want from me Warren?” You finally ask after a silence that seemed like an eternity.

“I want what you have.”

“I think you mean, you want me.”

“Err… excuse me?” I was blushing profusely. “Don’t be ridiculous! I’m here because of what you told me about the God concept and I wanted to know more. That’s all!” I can’t believe you said that. Why were you toying with me like this. Could it be that I was wrong about you? Were you not able to help me understand God better? You giggle at my exasperation as you stand up and walk towards the kitchen. Instantly I regretted my outburst. These kinds of topics always made me react like this, because I was afraid – afraid of intimacy I guess, or admitting that I had those needs as well. Why did you suddenly walk away? Had I offended you? “Can I get you something to drink?” You call from the kitchen. I reply back, relieved that you were still talking to me, “Yeah juice would be great thanks.” I hear you open the fridge, “Unfortunately I don’t have juice, only got beer and vodka. Unless you just want a glass of water Father Warren?” I think for a moment. I came here to learn from you. What would be the point of me wasting my time to come here and remain the same. I needed to let go of everything I was accustomed to. Yes I had never touched alcohol my whole life, but I needed to let go of all that, if only for tonight. I took a deep breath and said, “Surprise me.” A minute later you emerge from behind the kitchen counter with a tray and set it before me. “Thank you,” I reply as I pick up a glass. You sit down next to me and watch me draw the glass to my face. “I’ve put poison in there by the way,” you smile at me crossing your arms. “I’m beginning to understand something about you, you like toying with me,” I respond as I down the liquid in one go. Suddenly my throat is on fire. It is burning, and my tongue has the most bitter taste on it. Had you really given me poison? “Argh!! You crazy woman!” I cry out as I run to the kitchen to get some water. I drink straight from the tap profusely. Gradually the bitter taste begins to leave my mouth. The sound of your incessant laughter brings me back to reality. I walk back to the couch beginning to calm down. “What the hell did you give me?” I asked furiously. “That was vodka,” you reply amused, “this is what you’ve been missing out on all your life.” I shook my head as I slumped on the couch beside her, “I can see I didn’t really miss out on anything good.” You were still laughing at me, trying hard to restrain yourself. “Not all alcohol tastes this bad Warren, some tastes sweet. But this one has an acquired taste.”

I could feel myself getting very irritated. You were wasting my time here. I had come here to learn about God, but here you were toying with me, and yapping on about alcohol. I felt like getting up and walking out that door! My teeth were clenched. You sensed my frustration and you stopped laughing. The fire crackled in the background as we sat there in silence. I can’t believe I had been so gullible! How did I just decide to abandon my life and leave with a stranger I had met on a train. Everything in me wanted to get up and leave, when finally you decided to speak up.

“You know me and you are not that different Warren.”

“You know nothing about me Ezmi.”

“I know a bit.”

“Ezmi, I think I made a big mistake by coming with you tonight. You clearly don’t have that thing I was looking for.”

“And what are you looking for?”

“I don’t think you’d understand even if I told you.”

“Why? Cause I’m not religious like you? Cause I’m just a sinner?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You of all people should know that God does not go by outward appearances. I thought that’s the reason why you came with me tonight.”

“Then just tell me something.”

“Tell you what?”

“I don’t know! Your God concept! All that shit you were telling me on the train!”

You put your hand on you mouth, that was open wide in shock. “Oh my word,” I responded, “I’m so sorry for my language. I really didn’t mean to.” I had deep remorse, I had never swore like that in my whole life – let alone to a woman. To my amazement, you smile, “It’s okay Warren. I don’t have a problem with you expressing your true self.” You rub your hand on my shoulder. “Now tell me, do you think that cuss word came from outside you or from inside you?” You question me.

“Well obviously it came from inside me.”

“You wanted me to teach you about my concept of God? Here’s the first lesson. All these things that you consider sin, they come from inside. That swear word was in your heart all the while. It just needed the right amount of heat to cause it to come out. You are not a bad person because you spoke it out, you are a bad person because it was already inside you.”

“I get that.”

“God will usually lead you into circumstances that will get those things out of you, so that you see what you are and depend on him. The man who thinks that he’s perfect will never depend on God, but on himself. That is why God will always lead you pastors to humbling. Because of your pride.”

“I… I have never seen it that way.”

“Do you know that you are capable of murder? It’s just that you have never been put in that circumstance yet. Because God is merciful, he will use crazy people like me, to say things that cause you to react and say words like that. To show you that there are things in you that you need to deal with. If you ignore them while they are still small, they will take you down when they are big.”

“So what do you think I need to deal with?”

“Only you know that Warren. But I will say this, sin outside is better than sin in the heart. Because once it’s outside, you are convinced of your wretchedness and need for God, but while its in the heart, you continue to deceive yourself.”

As you spoke my heart relaxed and became warm again. I wanted to just be by your side and hear you speak these words that my soul was longing for all my life. “Oh Ezmi,” I cried, “I feel like I have wasted my life, serving a God of my own making. What you are saying to me right now is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. And what do I have to show for all my years of service? Nothing!” I felt your feminine hand stroke my shoulder lovingly. “Warren you must understand, none of us deserves to even hear these words that you are hearing right now,” you whisper in my ear, so close, I feel the warmth of your breath, “it is only God’s mercy that you got to hear them at the time you did. You could have just dismissed me for the way I was dressed, but you chose to listen. That is a grace from God. What you deserve is to carry out your life in misery serving a God that is not real. That is a punishment in itself.”

We sat on that couch all through that night, just talking. I couldn’t get enough of your words. It was as though the more we spoke, the more I got to know the true God. I loved you instantly. There was one burning question on my mind though, and I had to ask you, “Where did you learn all of this?” You smiled, “Well, just as we met by chance, someone also came to me by chance. It was on a train as well. Someone bothered to share this precious treasure with me. That’s why when I saw you, I remembered how I was before I heard this – broken, confused and depressed. That is why I had to share my God concept with you.” It was around 3am when we finally decided to head to bed. I insisted on sleeping on the couch. “You’re welcome to take the couch, but it’s not the most comfortable,” you said to me as you walked up those wooden stairs to your bedroom loft. The gentle curves of your hips were well defined in that silk night robe you were wearing. “Well, what do you suggest since there’s only one bed?” I ask. You simply smile and disappear into your room. Oh well, the couch will have to do for me. At least I’ve got the fire place. I stretched myself out on the couch, which felt quite hard and every bit as uncomfortable as you had described it. But it was okay, I would rather be here uncomfortable, than living the comfortable life I used to live, yet miserable.

I hear your footsteps coming back, you stand at that wooden balustrade, tucking your gown in between your legs with your hand. “Are you seriously sleeping on the couch Warren?” You asked me perplexed. I am blushing hard at the thought that you expected me to come up to you. I nod my head. “Er…I think that me coming up there will not accomplish anything good,” I replied. You let out a soft laugh, “I will be the judge of that. You know Warren I really admire your devotion to what you believe in.”

“Why thank you. Goodnight.”

“It’s really funny to me, how you people have to be taught how to live life, how to be human all over again once yall come out of this religious blindness.”

“I think we have spoken enough for today Ezmi, don’t you think?”

“Like, you guys forget what it means to be human, to feel, to want, to desire…”

“What kind of a name is Ezmi anyway?”

“I know you can hear me. For once in your whole life, just at least acknowledge yourself. I know you have been taught to deny yourself all these years. I’m sure you can’t even remember what you like.”

“I don’t want to talk about this Ezmi.”

“You can’t run away from yourself forever Warren. You have issues with intimacy and you are using religion to hide behind it. And then when you get married your wife is the one who will suffer. How is that fair?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Suit yourself, Father Warren.”

I watched you disappear into the darkness again. For the next half hour or so, I tossed and turned on that couch. What was wrong with me? Why were you able to make me feel all these feelings inside? How were you able to trigger me so easily? Oh God. I am turning into everything I used to stand against, everything I used to preach against all those years. My own preaching now condemned me. I recalled the many times I had judged other people for the lifestyles they had lived. Had I lost my mind? No Ezmi, there is no way you know anything about God. Why would you make such foolish suggestions?! How can I share a bed with you?! I lay there on that hard cold couch. But what did I have to lose? I had already done the worst by being here. The point of coming here was to abandon my God concept and to learn a new one – one that did not demand my perfection, but one that embraced me, flaws and all. I took a deep breath and got up from the couch and walked toward the stairs. I was trembling, there was no turning back from this point. My feet made a gentle thud as I walked up each wooden step. After I go in there, I will not be able to open my mouth and judge anyone for their lifestyle anymore, because I would have been there too. All my sense of self righteousness will vanish, and I will have nothing to stand on except the mercy of God alone. Ezmi’s words echoed within my mind, “Sin outside is better than sin in the heart, because then you are able to see your own wretchedness – and your need for God.” This went against everything I had ever learned about God. Was I not willfully sinning right now? Argh, I don’t know. Whatever! I took another deep breath, and disappeared into the darkness. At that moment, Father Warren disappeared forever.

This is a difficult story for me to tell, because it goes against everything you and I have ever been taught about God. How many people are bound by the teachings of orthodox religion, forced to live in the shadow of what their lives could be because of a lack of accurate knowledge? “And that was me, Ezmi, until I decided to get off the train with you and start my life over. I am so grateful we met today, and that I sat next to you on that train. Otherwise I would still be stuck there all my life – wasting it.”