Lives Between Walls

“Life is a circle. What has happened before, will happen again. That is where deja vu comes from. What is deja vu? The feeling that whatever you are experiencing at a present moment, you have experienced before. And your body is not confused, our minds may struggle to remember, but our souls and spirits know. They existed way before our bodies did. We have been alive for longer than we think, the bodies are just new, our souls are millenia old. Life is just our souls educating our minds about who we are. It is a process of remembering who we are. Yes you heard right, we don’t discover who we are, we remember. The thoughts of a man or woman is like deep waters, it takes wisdom to draw them out. This body, this mind is one of the biggest hinderances to becoming who you are. It is the biggest obstacle to overcome in finding the true meaning of life – your life that is. Life is a circle. There is nothing new under the sun! The circle is the shape of divinity. Look at the universe – the shapes of the planets and their orbits. In the same way we are those souls orbiting around the sun goddess. When we die, we change our orbit. Perhaps in this life you are this woman, but in your previous life you were a man. Or in your past life you were a black man, and in this life you are a caucasian woman. Is this the reason you feel as though you are a woman in a man’s body? Or a white man in a black person’s skin? This is because the body is an orbit. The soul is the planet. You are remembering your past life. It is dejavu conflicting with your present reality. Of course I have no way of proving this scientifically, but the soul never lies. Science is limited to physical things, the soul transcends such weak concepts.

Life is a circle. Look at the seasons – look at night and day, look at the clock, look at the flow of blood within the human body, look at a woman’s menstrual cycle. What has happened before will happen again. We rise and we fall, we begin and we end. Look at a young baby born, they have no teeth, nor hair. They are so dependant on someone else for their survival. Look at an old man, he loses his teeth and hair – he is so dependant on someone else for his survival. The body also has a cycle. Everything that is physical on this earth worships the divine circular order. Except the soul. The soul does not follow the cyclical order because the soul is not earthly, it is not physical – it is divine. Our souls do not die, it is our orbit that changes at death. Could it be that your loved ones that have passed away are instantly born the moment they pass away? Could it be that your child is actually the soul of your great grandmother? Or could you be the soul of somebody famous? That then begs the question, how many souls are there on this earth really? Could it be, that there are just two? That every single living person are the souls of Adam and Eve? They keep reincarnating, multiplying themselves to the point that they end up interacting with each other in the same time zone. It would be quite profound, and it would hit hard to know that when you are interacting with someone else, you are actually interacting with yourself.

Life is a circle. History is a circle that keeps repeating itself. I ask you today, do you remember who you are? That your life is just an orbit around the sun. You are a soul joy riding through a rollercoaster ride, the rollercoaster is your body. Please don’t get caught up in this life, chasing money, chasing happiness and relationships that you stop learning of who you are. That would be a tragedy to gain so much and lose your soul. Your soul, is the only thing that does not perish, or follow the cycle. Your soul is divine. And once you realise who you are, you have done well. Your reason for being here is unlocked and you get to truly live. These lives that we have been given are like a treasure hunt that the divine goddess takes us on. From birth we are searching, looking for something. I know when my son was born he could never sit still, he was so inquisitive, always exploring. We would buy him toys to distract his curiosity. Is that not what the world does to us? Give us ‘toys,’ promise us glory and wealth, happiness, debts to distract our curiosity? The world hates curiosity – in particular, the religious people try to stifle it, shutting us up with doctrines of holiness to keep us in check. Curiosity is a sign of a child who’s soul is still alive. Don’t let them suck your soul dry. Remember, remember who you are.”

I remember the day it happened. It was the day I finally decided to end my dysfunctional marriage with Vasanthan. It was probably the most difficult thing I’ve had to do – so many people would hear about it and be shocked. And why wouldn’t they be? The impression they had had of us was the model couple that everyone aspired to be. Husband was working at a big company in Orchidville. Which woman wouldn’t want to be me? But it just goes to show that money and love are not enough to guarantee success. The world was wrong. I felt bad that I had to put Shaun our 6 year old son through this. But be that as it may, my mental health came first. What good would be a mentally unstable mom to Shaun? How could I raise him to be a healthy young boy if I wasn’t at my best behaviour? That’s why I decided to end it after the recent fight we had. He didn’t hit me, but calling me a bitch when I forgot to wash his pants was the last straw. Plus my suspicions of him fucking his secretary on that business trip to Perth were confirmed a few weeks before that when a colleague of his reported it to me out of pity. I didn’t bother confronting him about it, but I was able to use the new evidence as confirmation for what I knew I already had to do. He had packed the last of his stuff yesterday evening. The atmosphere was so cold as he carried his bags into the truck. Brushing past me as I stood by the door in my brown fur gown, without even making eye contact. Whatever, I don’t need him in my life anymore. I don’t deserve this. I deserve someone that will love me, even if not perfectly, but at least don’t abuse me. Still break ups were always painful, tears rolled down my eyes as I watched him leave. The truck rolled away with his black Mercedes Benz following.

That evening I cried. I threw myself onto that King sized bed and wept. I was glad that I had taken Shaun to his grandmother’s, so he wouldn’t have to see me in this moment of weakness. I mourned for all the years I had wasted with Vas, and berated myself for ignoring the redflags from the beginning. Six whole years up in smoke just like that?! I pounded the bed with my fists in anger. “Argghhhh!!!!” I screamed out repeatedly. I took the pillow and flung it across the room in a rage. “Fuck you Vas!!! Arggggghhhh!!!!” The pillow bounced against the dressing table mirror, knocking my make up and jewellery onto the beige fur carpet. “Shit,” I got up from the bed and went to go clean up, wiping the tears from my eye. As I got to the dresser mirror, I saw something that made me nearly jump out of my skin. “Hold up! What the hell?!” I jumped backwards. There in the mirror, was my reflection. Of course this is normal, except for the fact that this reflection was not moving! At the time I was convinced it was a ghost. And here I was all alone in this big house. I just sat there on the bed paralyzed. “P…Pl..Please don’t hurt me,” I said through a quivering lip. I was trembling and you could literally hear the sound of my knees knocking together. I wanted to run but I couldn’t, my legs were so weak. The me in the mirror smiled back at me. From her warm smile, I drew comfort. I realised that her intention was not to hurt me. “Who… who… what are you?” I asked as I walked towards the mirror again trying to touch her. But all I felt was the cold glass of the mirror. The girl told me that her name was Vias, “I’m your soul.” What?! “My soul? What do you mean?”

“I am the part of you that really matters Vias.”

“I…I don’t think I understand. Are you a ghost?”

“Hahaha. No silly. I am your soul. Your reflection.”

“You are not my reflection. If you were my reflection you would copy everything I do.”

“Why?”

“Er.. well, isn’t this a violation of some scientific law or something?”

“The laws of science pertain to physical things, not to spiritual things.”

“Huh?”

“I have so much to share with you Vias. But it would be too much for you at the moment.”

“What you talking about?! I want answers now!”

“You’re not ready.”

“Okay but why am I seeing you now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I take it you are aware that I’ve just gone through a major break up right now. Where have you been all this time?”

“I’ve been right here Vias, you just forgot I was there.”

“Wow I can’t believe this bullshit. This breakup must have really messed me up. I’m talking to freaking mirrors.”

I was pacing back and forth flaying my hands like they were burning. “Okay, I need some air,” I said as I drew deep breaths of air through my mouth. The lady in the mirror continued to stare at me with a concerned expression. “Vias,” she said in a voice that was identical to mine. It was so weird hearing me talk. For the first time I got to see what people see when I’m talking to them. It gave me chills. “Vias,” she continued, “you have seen me before, we spoke like this before.” I was shocked at the words of this ghost, “No ways, I somehow think I would remember a fucking talking reflection!” I shot back. I tried to remember, grabbing my hair – this was all too overwhelming for me. The lady in the mirror cocked her head to the side, “The last time we spoke was 8 years ago. Before you went into a relationship with Vas. Remember you asked me for advice and I told you that you were not making the right choice?” Oh gosh! Was she telling the truth? But I don’t remember a talking reflection. I know during that time I had mixed feelings about that relationship and my conscience was struggling. “Wait, are you my conscience?” I blurted out. The lady laughed putting her hand to her face in a very lady like manner – just as I would normally do. She was so like me it was scary. “No silly, I am the real you,” she replied, “whenever you are not true to your real self, you forget me. But when you make a decision that is true to the real you, you will see me again.” I went cold with fear, and my stomach began to act up. Was I dreaming all this up? Yes, that must be it, I’m dreaming. “Okay Vias number 2,” I replied with a sigh of relief, “I know this is a dream. So like whatever. Lets just get this over with.” The lady in the mirror smirked, “Okay then if its a dream, just wake yourself up.” I thought for a moment. “Also,” she continued, “you can’t feel pain in dreams or any bodily sensations…well usually not.” I glanced at the dressing table and ran my finger along its cold, smooth surface. This was no dream. The realisation hit me like a slap across the face, causing chills to radiate down the back of my neck. With a defeated sigh I asked, “So what do you need from me?”

“I don’t need anything from you. I am here to keep you company.”

“Why?”

“Because you called out for me when you decided to end things with Vas. You were true to the real you. You took back your soul. Do you understand this?”

“No, I think I’m going crazy!”

“The woman who is true to herself, will never be lonely, because it is your soul that keeps you company. But the one who sells her soul for gain, will be a lonely woman.”

“So how long do I have to endure your presence?”

“Hahaha. It’s not that bad. I won’t be in your way. I’m just there to encourage you, reaffirm you, and be a friend to you. That is how the Divine God designed it. You shouldn’t need the company of other people to survive, that should just be an extra. It’s your company that you need the most, your approval and your friendship. Remember that none of what happens in this life really matters. What matters is remembering that you are a soul, and not take actions at the expense of it.”

“I think I’ve heard enough for one day Vias. I need to reflect on this – excuse the pun.”

“It’s okay. It is difficult to remember yourself after you have forgotten. But you know where to find me.”

Immediately I decided to go out for an evening jog. Perhaps being in the house with so much grief was causing me to hallucinate. I just need something, anything to get my mind of what I just saw – to get me back to the reality I know. I think I’ll jog to my doctor friend, he might give me some drugs to help me relax. Yes that’s what I’ll do.

Life is a circle. What has happened before, will happen again.