Lives Between Walls

The God concept is the end of religion. I say the end of religion because once one has the true knowledge of divinity, religion must fall away. If I know God, I don’t need religion. Do I sound like a heretic? Maybe I do, but listen to me, this might be what you’ve been waiting to hear all your life. They say the truth shall set you free. Yet you continue to run from it. Because you have been trained to perceive as heresey, anything that even slightly challenges your dogmatic rigid glass house beliefs. I will say it again, if you know God, you don’t need religion anymore. Then what is religion? Religion is like a painting of the one you love. Now I don’t know about you, my painting skills are not that good, therefore if I am to paint the one I love, the image might not be that flattering. Now imagine trying to paint somebody you love but you have never seen before? It’s hard enough making an exact replica of someone you have seen – how about someone you haven’t seen? It’s near impossible. Over the years civilizations have tried to paint an image of God. That is religion. Now, the God concept is a revelation of the person you have been trying to paint all these years, sitting right across you. How can you ever go back to the painting? Surely you would throw the painting away. If you finally sat face to face with God, you would realize that those paintings were not even close. You tainted them with your own philosophy, your own culture. You painted God white, and you have converted entire civilizations to your culture, and caused them to adopt your worldview because you preached a white God to them. My friend, if you sat face to face with God, you would throw away your paintings, because they could not even be compared to the real person. Religion is that painting. And when I came face to face with God, I had to throw mine away. I’ll never forget that evening, as I came home from the church. I met this girl Ezmi, and I saw the true God in the words she spoke to me. And when I did, it was no huge thing for me to abandon my 20 years of ministry as a church father – and get off the train with this young lady. You see, once you see the real God, it is not difficult to abandon your religion. Certain fishermen once left their boats and businesses, once they saw the true God. This is the God concept that I am telling you about today. Until you find it, you have not lived – I don’t care how much you have achieved in life, it is vanity until you find something worth throwing that achievement away for.

The sound of traffic woke me up, along with the morning sun piercing through those floor to ceiling blinds. For a moment I had forgotten where I was. For a moment, I was back in my apartment where I stayed with my maid. For a moment I was Father Warren, esteemed church Father of a prominent Catholic Church in Orchidville. For a moment I was respected cherished and honoured by all. But slowly as my brain began to put the pieces together, I remembered getting off a train with you. Walking through the chilly streets with you that evening, wanting to learn more of what you had spoken to me about. I remember spending the evening at your place, the blue couch, the taste of the vodka on my tongue, and the conversations that went late into the night. The freedom I had felt with you, was worth it all. It felt like I had literally took my mask off, a mask that I had been wearing for years – a veil. But with you I could put the veil away. With you I could be myself. Maybe this is how Adam and Eve had felt in the Garden of Eden wearing no clothes. I turned my head to see where you lay – but you were not there. Had I been dreaming it all? No, I wasn’t – this house was not mine. I threw off those white sheets and got up from the bed. “Ezmi?!” I called out for you, but there was no response. What if you had been misleading me? What if you had been using me, and simply lured me here just to have a night of passion and abandon me? “Oh dear,” I muttered to myself as I quickly gathered my clothes that were littered all over the floor. Where were you? “Ezmi, this is not funny!” I called out as I struggled to get into my clothes. No response from you. Wait, perhaps you are in the bathroom. I dashed to check, but nothing. I ran down the stairs to check if you were in the kitchen making breakfast, but you were not there either. I held my head, trying to calm myself down – fearing the worst. I feared that you had made a fool of me. I had heard stories like this. Perhaps this flat was not even yours! It was at that point I realized how little I knew about you. Who were your parents? Where had you been raised? What was your surname? Oh gosh, was Ezmi even your real name? “Oh flip,” I whispered as I paced up and down the living room. What a fool I was to get off the train with a total stranger. Greater panic overwhelmed me as I quickly scanned the room for my bag and noticed that it wasn’t where I had left it. It all began to make sense now. You were a thief! You lured me to your place so that you could rob me of my belongings. You were right to say that I shouldn’t trust you! I can’t believe I had been so stupid! “Argh!” I slapped myself on the head in regret. God why did you allow this to happen? I should have known, this whole “God concept thing” is a lie. Just persuasive words that you used to lure me into immorality so that you could rob me. You made me throw away my life for nothing. My throat was dry. I needed some water. I strode towards the fridge and poured myself a glass of cold water from the dispenser. I was fuming, I didn’t notice a piece of paper falling from off the fridge onto the floor. I needed to get out of there. It was not too late to return to my old life. I was going to just pretend that last night never happened. I pulled open that blue door, and stormed out of that apartment. I headed toward the train station. The sun was out by that time, and the streets were buzzing with life. I hadn’t had the chance to see this neighbourhood last night when I had been walking with you. My head had been in the clouds. But now I was back to reality. Klip klop klip klop, went my shoes on the paved surfaces. Cars whizz passed me every now and then. I had been such an idiot, I felt like everybody could see and was laughing at me. Oh that the night would cover me! What a fool I had been, how could I face my congregation ever again? I would be the laughing stock of Orchidville. No one could know about this. Then another thought invaded my mind. What if you have camera footage of what happened yesterday? And maybe you want to blackmail me, and will threaten to share it with my congregation so as to ruin my reputation. My heart was thumping in my throat now as I trudged through the snow. I hated you at that moment, and wished that I had never met you.

I was taking the last turn to the train station. When I saw you again. I stood still as if frozen in time. You were walking in my direction, and when your eyes met with mine, you joined me in my time lapse. It’s as though the rest of the world disappeared. Your eyes lit up and you began to make your way towards me carrying a grocery packet. You were wearing a long coat, and a black track pants and sweater underneath. With a face so beautiful, it melted away all my anger. “And where are you off to Warren?” You ask, cocking your eyebrow. “I’m going back home,” I reply in a very matter of fact tone. You laugh, “Guess you finally got what you wanted?” What? What was she implying by that? “Excuse me?!” I retorted. “You are the one who went MIA in the morning without even telling me anything!” You were taken aback, “But Warren, I did leave a note on the fridge that I was going to get breakfast in town. I take it you didn’t see it?” I remembered the piece of paper that fell off the fridge. She was telling the truth. But I had too much anger within me, I had created so many worst case scenarios in my mind, I needed to let this anger out.

“You could have woken me up Ezmi. What if something happened to you?”

“So you were worried about me?”

“Well, yes I guess.”

“You have a strange way of showing it. You were just going to go back home just like that? After everything we’ve been through?”

“I just don’t like people playing games with me!”

“Who is playing games with you?”

“You! I mean I don’t even know your surname or who your parents are!”

“My surname is Van De Berg! And my parents are Paul and Lisa! Are you happy now?!

“Why are we shouting then?!”

“I don’t know! You started it!”

“Well can we stop then?!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

We stood there in awkward silence, fuming at each other, till the sound of your laughter broke the silence. I tried hard to maintain a serious face but I couldn’t. I started laughing with you. You reached out your hand to me, “Coming?” I hesitate for a moment. You continue, “Warren, understand that you always have the choice to return back to your old life – you are not compelled to stay here.” I nod, “Yes I do know that.” My mind is racing at this point, I had lived all my life as this person that I was – I didn’t know anything else. But one thing I knew is that I did crave something else. I believed that there was more and I didn’t want to die without experiencing the best that life has to offer. You smile at me, “You know what the purpose of life is right?”

“I guess to glorify God.”

“What does that word ‘glorify’ even mean?”

“Well to do things that will lift up his name.”

“Like?”

“Well, to obey everything he says.”

“For example?”

“Love one another.”

“Like you love me?”

“Sorry what?”

“I mean for example, you loving me would be to glorify God right?”

“Umm… well I suppose.”

“Are you blushing?”

“Of course not! Do you even hear a word that I’m saying?”

“Okay okay relax. Go on I’m listening.”

“Yeah I’m done. Maybe you can tell me what you think it means to glorify God.”

“Well, I think glorifying God is multiplying yourself.”

“Okay, go on.”

“Having lots and lots of babies,” you reply and let out a loud chuckle. I can’t believe you. How can you joke right now? “I can never tell whether you are going to be serious or you are going to joke!”

“So? Why does life have to be compartmentalized?”

“Because!”

“Because what?”

“You know you’re like a little child. You keep asking all these weird questions that don’t make sense.”

“And are you the adult?”

“My point exactly.”

You take a deep breath and brush your pink hair backward. “Warren, if you are coming with me, you know the way to my place. Otherwise, you should hurry to the station before you miss your train.” And with that you walk past me to your apartment. I stare at the station ahead of me. I turn back and see you getting smaller as you drift further and further away from me. I shook my head and walked towards the train. An old man approached me. From the way he was dressed it looked like he was the train conductor. “Where are you off to sir?” He boomed at me. “Er, Orchidville, but I’m not sure yet,” I replied. He stared at me with a confused expression, “You’re not sure?” I didn’t know what I wanted to do. Maybe this train conductor could understand if I explained my situation. “See, I met this lady yesterday on the train yesterday. And I got off the train with her, and she told me about the God Concept and now I’m not sure whether she was telling the truth. I’m not sure whether I should go back to my old life or stay here with her. I’m so confused.” I was rambling. This poor train conductor must be so lost. He just stared at me for a few moments and cocked his head and said softly, “No one can make a decision for you friend. But if you are struggling to make one right now, perhaps stay and gather more evidence to help you to make that decision.” Yes he was right. If I left now, I would have to live with never knowing the possibilities of me staying. I needed to learn more. There is a reason why I had come this far, there is a reason why your words had resonated with my heart. There is a reason why we had met on the train, you had something I needed, and I had something you needed.

I ran towards your apartment hurriedly. Bumping past the people on the street. Knocking frantically on your blue door. “Ezmi, please open up!” I cried. “I’m sorry I wanted to leave. I was just confused that’s all. Please let me in. I have nothing else to go back to.” I lay there with my head and fists on the door, for a few minutes. I heard the door unlock, and my heart leapt for joy, as door swung slowly to reveal your face beaming with a smile. You reached out your hand to me, “Come in Warren.” I smiled at you, as I wiped the tears off my face and took your warm hand in mine. It felt like home. You led me back to that couch again, on the table were two dishes, with scrambled eggs and toast. I glanced at her as we sat down on that blue couch, “How did you know I was coming back?” I asked her curious why she would prepare me breakfast if I had left on that train. You smiled, “We did not meet by chance Warren. I just know that our business is far from over.” I bit into my toast, and slurpped on my mug of hot chocolate. You look at me amused, “Not even gonna say grace?” I hesitated. “It’s okay Warren, I’m only teasing,” you reply. I was happy to be in your presence. I felt alive when I was with you. I longed to hear you talk to me. “Please tell me more about yourself Ezmi. Like how did you end up like this?”

“End up like what?”

“Like the cryptic old witch that you are….Er I mean, the wise young woman you are.”

“Ah. I see Father Warren has jokes now. I’m impressed. You must have been saving that one for the whole year. Your brain must be tired.”

I smiled wide revealing a full set of teeth.

“If you must know, my parents, Paul and Lisa Van De Berg passed away three years ago.”

“Oh I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For your loss of course. It must have been devastating to lose both your parents at the same time. Are you okay?”

“Well, I believe mourning never really ends, you just get better at it. It is still painful when I think about it. That is why I like to joke alot. It helps me to take my mind of the grief – if only for a moment.”

“I understand. If you don’t mind me asking, how did they pass away?”

“They were hijacked and shot on their way to a church meeting.”

“Oh dear,” I groaned, putting my hands to my face. Your eyes turned away from me and stared into the fireplace. “That must have been awful for you Ezmi. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. But that is where my journey began. I remember I was only 22 that time. I had so many questions, and I was so angry.”

“Where the perpetrators ever caught?”

“No they were not. To this day I don’t know the face of the people who killed my parents.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Well, Dr. Phil, it made me feel bad, for lack of a better term. I struggled with bitterness, and extreme anger and I had no one to channel that anger to. I longed for the day those killers would be found so that I could see justice exacted on those pieces of shit that killed my parents.”

“I understand your frustration. I would have felt the same way.” I watch you take a sip on your mug of hot chocolate, your pretty lips kissing the rim. “So yah,” you conclude. It’s interesting, I didn’t realize that you had been carrying that much hurt inside. “So what changed you?” I ask eagerly, “I mean the person I see in you is totally different from the person you just described.”

“Well,” you respond as you chew on your toast and egg, licking your delicate feminine fingers, “I realised that it’s not people that killed my parents. It was God.” What?! I had not expected that response. “Whoa hold up. Why do you say its God who killed your parents? Surely we’re in a fallen world and people have free will. These are the consequences of sinful people. Your parents were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. This has nothing to do with God,” I protested.

“Who killed Jesus of Nazareth then?”

“It was the Roman soldiers after being handed over to them by the Jews.”

“Okay Warren, this is your second lesson in my God Concept. There’s two levels through which to view the affairs of this world. There’s the humanistic level, where you look to man as being the instigators of evil. Then there’s the higher level, where God is sovereign over even the evil of man. If I see things from the humanisitic level, I will never be free of the bitterness and resentment I have towards my parents’ killers. However if I can fix my eyes on the higher level, I am able to say, Father forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”

“Umm… okay I don’t think I follow you.”

“Those perpetrators were merely agents of God to fulfil his purpose.”

“So what? Are you saying that everyone who kills someone its because God sent him? That is garbage! It’s these criminals that need to be put to order. Government needs to do something about this. This has nothing to do with God. The police are what God has provided to bring justice on this earth. God is a good God. It’s the devil doing all these bad things. I will never let you tarnish God’s image!”

“Listen, I know this is difficult to take in, but the sooner you begin to view things from the higher level you will understand life. Every single thing is God’s vessel. Those perpetrators were God’s hammer, to effect a change on the earth. God uses that hammer and the one you call ‘the devil,’ and then he will judge that hammer for the destruction that he caused it to inflict.”

“Oh my gosh. What are you saying woman?!”

“Let me put it this way, if a man steals your car, you would have reason to be irritated right? Because that is a loss. Now tell me, if God were to steal your car, would it be different?”

“Well I suppose it would be different because…. I mean… Well it wouldn’t be stealing. Everything belongs to God anyway.”

“Not only that, but if God takes something away from you, He will always give you back ten times more. Because God is not a taker, He is a giver.”

“So you mean to tell me, that every one that has lost a loved one, God will repay them?”

“It depends on which level you are viewing the event from. The humanistic level or the God is sovereign level. If you are viewing things from your humanistic level, it will destroy you. But if you view it from the God level, you will always be at peace – and you will receive a return from him. God will literally pay you back. What is the greatest thing you think you could ever lose Warren?”

“Well, I’m about to lose my ministry just now.”

“If God takes it from you, don’t you think he can give you something ten times better?”

“I do.”

“See that is the thing. You have to believe that you are losing it for God’s sake. Not for man’s sake. If you believe you are losing it for man’s sake, you won’t believe that anything good will come from it – hence nothing good will come from it. Do you understand this Warren?”

I slumped back onto the couch, letting out a deep sigh. Where did you get all this stuff? How did you know how to blow my mind every time. I have preached for 20 years, and I had never heard anyone talk like this all my life. I turned my head to look at you. You stared back at me expectantly with that warm smile that chases away the shadows in my heart. You say, “That is how I moved on after the loss of my parents. That is how I was able to forgive my perpetrators. That was the beginning of my God concept.” I watch you pick the trays from off the table, stand and strut towards the kitchen. You know I’m looking at you, and I know that is the reason you are swaying your hips just a tad bit extra.

As the euphoria of this chance encounter began to wear off, like a sedative, the painful reality began to dawn on me. The last thing I wanted was to leach off you, staying in your small flat, eating your food and resources while not earning an income of my own. Also I’m sure you had a life of your own other than having to tend to this broken old man. “So where to from here?” I asked you. “What do you mean,” you replied as you let the water out, gushing over those plates and dishes. “I mean, me staying in your house and stuff.” I hear you laugh, “Why Warren, how long were you intending to stay with me?” I hadn’t really thought about all that. I had totally just been led by my emotions. “The last thing I want to do is be a burden to you, you know?” I responded. “So what did you have in mind?” You asked, as you dried up the plates. I thought for a moment as I stroked my grey beard, I didn’t want you to think I’m deserting you. Because I didn’t want to leave you. I wanted to stay with you forever. “Perhaps I should go back home, and rather visit you. In that way I won’t get to compromise your life as well,” I replied with a sigh, “but in the perfect world I’d want to stay with you forever.” You walked over towards me, and sat beside me. You touched my shoulder and gazed lovingly into my eye and said, “What you are saying makes total sense Warren. I can give you my contact and you can let me know whenever you want to see me. Maybe next time I can even come to your place.” I laughed, “I’ll warn you though, my place is not as pretty.”

Later in the afternoon, you walked me down to the train station. “Well this is it then,” you said, your hands still in mine. I didn’t want that moment to end. I felt like I was nearing the end of a good dream, and I was about to be abruptly awaken to a miserable reality. “All aboard!” I could hear the train conductor shout in the background. “Listen Ezmi,” I started to say, but you stopped me as your lips embraced mine with a long passionate kiss. “Umm… wow…okay that was unexpected,” was all I could say, I was breathless and lost for words. “Come back soon,” you replied with a smile. I promised you I would. And when I did, I would never leave you. I took my seat on the train, and waved at you good bye as the transport began to slowly chug away.

What a journey my life had been. I’m like a merchant that had spent so many years of his life searching for pearls. And when he had found one of great worth, he went away to sell everything he had, to buy that pearl. I found that pearl in you Ezmi and in the things you spoke to me. And now I go back to my home, having thrown away my self righteousness, my ministry, and my whole concept of life, so I can gain that which truly matters – an accurate God concept.