Lives Between Walls

Jeffrey reclined on that wooden bench, along the sea shore, in deep introspection. He took a long whiff from his Consulate cigarette as he reflected on his life. He reminisced about his childhood carefree and cheerful, which was a stark comparison to his life now, dull and serious. When did things get so complicated? So many issues all within a short span of time. How was anyone supposed to carry this? His wife was not on talking terms with him, so he didn’t have her support. He was not sure what she was upset about this time, but it may have something to do with the argument they had a week ago. Sky always struggled to reveal her true feelings and she had opted to just giving him the cold shoulder instead of voicing her concerns – a self preservation technique that she had not been able to get rid off from youth. “For the umpteenth time Jeff, I told you I’m okay,” she would scowl. “Okay, okay, but if there’s something I need to apologize for, or if I hurt you in any way, please let me know,” Jeff would respond apologetically, gently stroking her shoulder. She would nod with blank expression, and then go right back into her cold behaviour. Oh Sky, where had you gone? Where was that woman who was always excited to see him come home? Where was the infectious laughter that filled that house and made it a home? What could he do, if she wasn’t communicating with him but to give her space? That was okay, she could take all the time she wanted, he just missed having a companion to share life with in the mean time. He believed he was failing as a lover.

He took another long pull from his cigarette and stared into the vast ocean briefly. The gentle sea breeze, the thrashing of the waves, coupled with the sounds of seagulls squawking overhead proved therapeutic. He started thinking about the problems at his workplace. He had failed to meet an important deadline last week, and the deal had cost the company over R100 000. Needless to say his colleagues were not too thrilled with him. “Jeff,” his boss had said to him that fateful afternoon, standing at the door of his office, “I’m not too happy about what happened last week Jeff, is everything alright with you?” Jeff stared into space and thought for a moment, “I guess I’m just tired mam.” He didn’t know what to say. Luckily for him, his boss however was quite a benevolent woman, and sought to understand each and every worker. She replied softly “Okay well, I’m afraid the company has suffered great loss because of your negligence and as a result I will have to give you a pay cut, just until we break even again.” It was like a knife had gone through his heart, “But Miranda, I… my wife is not working and a pay cut… we’re gona really struggle, please there must be another alternative?” Miranda was not blind to the fear in Jeff’s eyes, which made her feel worse than she already felt. But even with her compassion, she knew when to be firm, and when to be human. “Look Jeff, as much as I hate to do this, fair is fair. This loss was because of you and it wouldn’t be fair if I cut anyone else’s salary but yours. I’m sorry,” she managed a weak smile and walked away. He could still remember the solemn look on his wife’s face when he had to break the news to her, it was as though he told her that her dog died. “We’ll just have to make a plan,” she had replied. Over the next few months she had managed to find work as a secretary to supplement Jeff’s income, reluctantly abandoning the role of stay at home mom. Even though she didn’t say it, he could feel her resentment of him. He was failing as a provider.

A couple of laughing kids ran past him, as his bench was right next to the walkway. He smiled at them. He longed to be one of them again, he was jealous of their happy-go-lucky attitude. He longed to take all the burden he was carrying and toss it into the ocean of non-existance. When did things get so complicated? “Hey kid,” he called out to one of them playfully, “can we swap lives?” He was just being funny, but he knew there was an element of truth behind his strange comment. The kid turned to him, contorting his eyebrows in confusion, “Say what?” Only to burst out laughing and running off. Jeff smirked as he was reminded of his own son. He remembered the day of his birth – he had been at the emergency room with Sky, holding her hand. “It’s going to be okay Sky,” he had encouraged his wife, as the baby made war within her. Watching her writhe in pain was excruciating to him. “Ahh it’s so painful!” She cried out and gripped tighter onto his hand. “Breathe, just breathe darling,” Jeff would echo the frantic words of the midwives. And with one final push, Calvin was born. That was in 1979, and it was the most intimate moment they had shared together, bringing a child into the world. Initially it seemed to bring them closer, but as time grew it seemed that Sky spent more time with Calvin and neglected time with him. Calvin became a good excuse to avoid spending time with her husband, or shirk her wife duties, particularly when she was not pleased with him – a great excuse not to have sex evening after evening. Worse was the fact that by the time Calvin was 7 in 1986, he had begun to mimic his mother’s unhealthy example and grew closer to her, but distant towards his father. He was failing as a father.

Jeff took one final pull of his cigarette and dropped the stub onto the floor putting it our with his boot. When did things get so complicated? At this point he felt that he had failed as a human being, and he started entertaining thoughts of things being better for everyone if he were to walk into that ocean and never came back. He had been meditating on it for a long time, and today seemed like the perfect day to die. Just as he was about to get up from that bench, another man suddenly sat down next to him. Jeff was startled as he hadn’t see him approach.

“Sorry if I startled you my man,” the stranger chuckled. Jeff regained his composure and managed a polite laugh, “It’s okay, it’s just that my attention was focused elsewhere and I didn’t see you approach.” The man had a grey scraggly beard, and a clean shaven bald head and reminded Jeff of Sean Connery. Even though he looked old, Jeff could tell he was around his age, 43 because of the vigour in his body and posture. “The name’s Gael,” the man stuck out his hand toward Jeff who grabbed it gladly and replied, “Jeffrey.” The man’s hand was dry and callous, just like the sand on that beach, “A pleasure.” The man sat back and stared into the ocean with Jeff sitting beside him, a gap of a hand breath between them. A comfortable silence ensued for the next 3 minutes. Even though Jeffrey had been on his way up, he didn’t want to leave immediately just so it didn’t seem like he left because of him and hurt this strangers feelings. ‘How petty of you Jeff, do you think he really cares that much about your opinion?’ he thought to himself, but that was just him, always looking out for everyone.

Gael stared into the ocean, sitting on the bench that afternoon watching his two sons playing on the beach sand. It was his turn to watch over them that day and he wanted to make the most of it. He didn’t get much time with them following the divorce, especially with his ex wife having taken custody of them. Watching them grow always brought fulfilment to him – they were even slowly beginning to look like him. Whenever he went to the shopping mall with them, people would immediately know who’s they were. He smiled to himself. He hoped they wouldn’t turn out like him, he hoped that they wouldn’t make the same mistakes that he made. That was his life’s purpose now, to make sure his kids would be better than him, that they would surpass him. If that was all he had left in life, that was enough for him. He didn’t have the need to rekindle the embers of his failed life anymore, he was tired. Like the captain of a sinking vessel, he had abandoned his life, committed suicide, but that of emotions. A suicide of the emotions was the worst kind – it leaves you like a vessel without a crew, drifting aimlessly through life – at the mercy of the elements. He had now started living his life through his children. He himself had failed in life.

Gael wondered when things had gotten so complicated. When did he lose his zeal for life? He reminisced about the wild and reckless life he used to live with his friends. A life that was not limited to repeatedly going out and hooking up with girls every other weekend. He reminisced about the times where he had woken up with different women at his bachelor flat, and not remembering how they had gotten there. Unfortunately, that lifestyle was usually like that annoying tattoo that one couldn’t remove. It became your identity. He had tried to change when he had met his wife Dionne, but 9 years and two sons later, it would crumble when the beast in him reared its ugly head again. Gael still remembers Dionne’s horror when she found those messages on his phone from her cousin Andrea. “What the hell Gael?! It’s my cousin for heavens sake!!” 1986 became the worst year of his life. Gael hadn’t meant to cause any harm. Like in all adulterous cases, one thing had just led to another. Dionne had been so consumed with her work, she had neglected him. He had tried to bring it up to her, but she wouldn’t listen. So he had decided to open up to her cousin about it, in hopes that she would talk some sense into his wife – but instead he ended up in Andrea. And the texts and images that Dionne found, proved it. “And in our house Gael?! How could you?!” The screams and the look of disgust on her face where all he remembered from that night. The slaps and the punches he took from her, the neighbours coming over to see what the noise was about, the police being called to restore the peace where all just a blur now. He had failed as a husband.

Gael took a deep breath and inhaled the sea breeze as he looked towards the big cargo ships along the horizon. He wished that he could walk on water to those ships and just sail far away – away from his responsibilities, and the regrets that haunted him. He might have contemplated suicide, except for the fact that he felt that he wasn’t alive anymore – but just a shell of his former self. How do you destroy something that is already dead? The only point to his wretched existence was to make sure that his sons at least turned out okay. He reasoned that once they became teenagers, he would be satisfied – then he could leave knowing that he had at least succeeded in one thing.

The two men sat and stared into the ocean. A comfortable silence ensued for the next few minutes.

If only each knew what the other was going through. If only one of them would start a conversation with the other, they would realise that they were not the only one facing such pain. They would draw strength from each other, and find the power to live just for another day. Being a man is hard work, and that is why many run away from it. You are alone for the most part, save for another man who is going through a similar thing. If only they were to turn to each other and talk, this could be the start of a beautiful relationship, and they could save each other from themselves. And it all starts by sharing your pain with me, and letting me share mines with yours.

It was at that exact moment that Gael’s kids ran back towards him, towards the bench where he had been sitting. Jeff smiled on realization that the kids he had spoken to earlier belonged to him, “Oh, these are your little rascals?” Gael laughed, “Yup, little rascals indeed, Charles and Everret.” One of them leaned in and whispered something in their father’s ear while pointing at Jeff. Gael’s eyes widened, “Oh, apparently my son says that you asked to trade places with him earlier.” Jeff laughed out loud. He had forgotten that he had had that exchange with the kids earlier, “Yeah I guess I did, didn’t I?” Gael stroked his grey beard wittingly, “Why would you say that though?” Gael let out a deep sigh. He thought about it for a moment, did he really want to share what was going on in his life with this stranger? Did he want to explain to him that he had intended to drown himself that afternoon? If so then this would probably be the last conversation that he would have that day. Jeff turned to face Gael, looking at him in the eyes for the first time. And as if staring into a mirror, he saw his own pain mirrored back.