Lives Between Walls

I gasped as another wave beat on the ship sending torrents of cold waters over me. “Matthis becareful!” Ben shouted from the cabin. I had never seen his face that pale before. He was an experienced fisherman, and if he was scared, then that was indicator of how hopeless the situation was. I acknowledged him with a nod, as I continued struggling to close the sails. I tugged at the rope hard, praying that the wind wouldn’t rip them away. Why wasn’t he out here helping me? I called out in frustration, “You think could, oh I don’t know, help?!” I mean, hello, who was the experienced sailor here? I was only a novice here, just helping him out during school holidays. Ben hesitated, for a moment, afraid to leave the wheel of the ship. “Look, if we don’t put these sails down, we are gonna get ripped to shreds!” I yelled at him. I was just as scared as he was. I didn’t want to die here. I mean I was young, and I had so much to live for. Maybe he had already experienced his fill of life, and wasn’t prepared to fight anymore, but I sure as hell was not done. I turned away from him and kept tugging, as another wave sent me flying back and landing on the deck.

Ben’s hand reached out for me and I grabbed it as he lifted me up. “C’mon,” he shouted over the clamour of the storm, “lets get these damn sails down!” So we pulled together, as hard as we could, until we finally managed to get them down. “Oh thank God!” I exclaimed, as we ran back to the cabin and shut the door. “Shew!” Ben looked like he was freezing as he rubbed his hands together fervently. I took of my hood, and wiped the salty water from off my face. “Okay, we’ve reefed, what do we do next?” I asked him. He stroked his grey beard for a while, I could see his hand was trembling. If we where not in such a dire situation I would have laughed at him. He was usually the type who was so macho and unafraid of anything, and to see him like this was comic. If we were to come out of this alive, I would definitely remind him of that moment. “Reefing will prevent us from moving too fast, or a strong gust of wind causing us to capsize, which was my biggest worry. I think we need to, try switch on the engine and get out of the path of the storm,” he replied. “Okay and how do we know the path of the storm?”

“It’s usually toward the right side of the direction of the wind I think.”

“Okay then, let me start the motor”

“Becareful Matt!”

I ran out the cabin towards the back of the boat. I watched my boots trudge in the pools of water that had accumulated on the hull. This was not looking good. I caught a glance of the sky, it was foreboding and scary, flashes of lightning illuminating the night sky. I reached the engine room and revved the motor. It sputtered but didn’t start. I revved again, pulling the starter extra harder now, but still no response. Please don’t tell me the engine is not working anymore. I revved again, “C’mon please work!” I could not tell whether it was just rain that streamed down my face or it was tears. As I revved and revved till my hands were red because of the cable.

I returned back to the cabin, downcast. Ben saw me and by the way his face fell, he knew exactly what had happened. Without a word said, I went and stood next to him as we gazed out into that raging sea. We were literally sitting ducks in the ocean at the mercy of the elements. Unable to use our sails, and now without an engine, it seemed quite hopeless. Then it came to me, “Can’t we lower the anchor?!” Ben turned to me, and thought for a moment. “We’re too far out in the ocean to use a normal anchor son. We would need kilometres of cable for the anchor to reach the ocean floor… however..”

“However what?!”

“A sea anchor could work. It’s basically like a parachute and you deploy it into the sea, and it bascially keeps waves from hitting the boat on the side.”

“That’s fantastic! That way we could just wait out the storm without any damage to the boat right?”

“Right.”

“Okay, what are we waiting for then? How do I deploy it?”

Ben let out a sigh of exasperation, “I actually don’t have it installed on this boat Matthis. It’s on my other one.”

“Oh fantastic! What great help that is!” I slammed my fist on the metal counter in anger and disappointment. I was so angry at Ben, how could he not have seen this coming? And now we were going to lose our lives at sea all because of his negligence. Ben sighed, “I’m sorry Matt. I should have never brought you along. And I promised your parents I would keep you safe.” I could see the tears begin to stream down his eyes each time the sky was illuminated by the lightnings. “Oh my God we are going to die!” I shouted as I paced back and forth in the cabin, “we are going to die!” I kept repeating as Ben’s sobs turned into howls in the background. All the while I kept hoping that the storm would die down any moment now, but it didn’t.

After an hour, one of the waves beat so hard on the side of the ship that it broke the hull and we could hear the sound of water filling up the bottom most part of the boat. By this time, I was slumped on the floor tired without energy. Ben had no more tears to weep, and by his expression, he looked as though he had already accepted his fate. He was digging through what seemed like a secret compartment on the floor of the cabin. “What are you looking for?” I asked him half heartedly – I honestly didn’t give two shits. He didn’t reply, but then I watched him pull out a bottle of Bells wine and two little glasses. I recognized the bottle, Ben had been saving it for years, for a special occasion. He would tell me about it everytime I worked with him on the boat. Impending doom usually caused people to do the strangest things but even I didn’t see this coming. I was silent as he sat on the floor next to me, having poured and handed me a drink. “Cheers,” as our glasses clinked, “here’s to the end of a chapter,” he chimed merrily. He seemed relaxed and calm, and I couldn’t understand why. We were probably minutes away from death. “Drink up lad! It’ll do good for your nerves. Might as well go out happy,” he motioned for me to drink and I took a whole gulp. He poured me another and another. I recall getting quite drunk to the point of forgetting the gravity of the situation. We started recalling moments in our lives and laughing about them. It helped. I didn’t want to think about my parents, and the hurt they would feel to hear that I died at sea. I didn’t want to think about Dineo and the pain of knowing that the one she loves had been taken by the sea. I’m sure Ben must be feeling even worse, thinking about his kids and their step mom. These are probably the most painful parts of death, having to sever these connections that are rooted in your life so deeply – like uprooting a tree.

“What do you think happens after we die Matt?” Ben asked me suddenly, his face becoming serious. It was probably the first time that he had asked me anything remotely spiritual. As long as I had known Ben, he had been an athiest to the T. I looked at him and laughed, “Oh don’t come with that spooky shit now. Next you are probably gona tell me you believe in God!”

“I’m not really the religious type, and you know that Matt.”

“I know, that’s why I’m shocked that you of all people are asking me this.”

“Well, I mean, we are about to die so… you know.”

“I don’t think there is anything after death… Just nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Zilch.”

At least that’s what I had been hoping for. I was scared and this was my way of just shutting down this God conversation. Ben replied, “I’ve honestly thought that this God thing was just a way to get people to behave – rule them with the fear of hell. But right now, now that I’m at death’s door, I ask myself if there was any truth to this.”

I didn’t say anything. I felt the same way he felt. But I didn’t want to admit it. The God topic always made me uncomfortable, and I had tried my best to avoid it all my life. But here at this moment I was cornered. “Can we please stop talking about this,” I asked gently. Ben laughed at me and smacked my shoulder, “What do you have to lose son? We are a few minutes away from death, what is a more fitting way to spend the last seconds of our time than to discuss what’s on the other side?” I shoved him away, “Fuck Ben! Because what’s the point. I know I’m going to hell anyways according to him. I’ve done many things I’m not proud of,” I snapped. I could feel the heat coming to my face as I thought about my secret shameful lifestyle, and the desires that occupied my mind. Ben was taken aback, “Wow lad, did you kill someone or what?” I shook my head, I still didn’t want to talk about it, it wasn’t easy to tell people about that kind of thing – especially another man. I felt Ben’s thick hand on my shoulder, “Look kid, whatever it is, I’ve probably done ten times worse. Plus I’m 15 years older than you, so I’ve had more time to commit sins before you were even born.” I managed a weak smile as he continued, “I believe if there is a God, he is kind enough to forgive us both.”

Suddenly another strong wave thrashed the side of the boat once again, and it began to go down. We rolled backwards as the front of the boat tipped up. “We gotta get out of the cabin,” Ben yelled as he pulled me up to my feet and we ran out. The ocean’s hunger looked insatiable, pieces of the boat were scattered all over it. Ben looked at me, “You know, my mother used to tell me a story as a child. About fishermen who were caught in a storm, and then Jesus came to their rescue walking on the water.” I rolled my eyes, at the time I felt like this was all useless information. We were about to die, the last thing I wanted to hear was stories about unicorns and fairies. “Ben, we don’t have time for this!” I yelled at him as another wave drenched us in sea water. “Listen, Jesus asked one of the fishermen to step out of the boat and onto the water, and he began to walk! I believe if that God is real, we can do that to!” I couldn’t believe the rubbish that was coming out of Ben’s mouth. It was probably the alcohol talking. “Are you hearing what you are saying right now?!” I shook him back and forth, “You are insane right now! You hear me!” He snapped back at me, “Do you have a better idea, genius?!” No I didn’t, but the thought of putting my trust in a fable was not going to happen. But before I could say anything else, I watched Ben plummet into the raging waves.

“Ben!! Nooo!!!” I screamed until my voice was hoarse, “You idiot!!” I watched the ocean, hoping that he would resurface, but nothing. I was running out of time. I had to choose my death, I could die like Ben as a fool, or die as a captain of a boat with a bit of honour. “Oh Ben!” I wept profusely. To this day, I can’t believe I did what I did next. “Alright Jesus, you said I should come onto the water, here I come!” I jumped into the water and its cold arms engulfed me as I sank straight to the bottom of the endless sea.

“Okay,” the marine coast guard responded finally after hearing my story, “aren’t you forgetting something?” I shrugged my shoulders, “What?”

“If you and Ben both sank into the sea, how are you alive telling this story?”

“Well I don’t know. I guess the waves must have washed me ashore somewhere and someone must have found me and taken me to the hospital. Because that’s where I woke up.”

“Ah I see. I guess it was unfortunate that Ben was not found. We are still looking for his body at the moment, but your story will help our search teams alot, so thank you. I still find it strange though that no water was found in your lungs according to the medical report.”

“I don’t know why that is officers, there must be a rational explanation.”

Three years after the incident, this is the story I still tell. I don’t really recall what happened after I sank into the water. But I don’t tell anyone that to this day, when I close my eyes, I still see visions of me running across the sea with Jesus.