Lives Between Walls

“I’d rather not see you again Sakura, so that you may live on in my fantasies. I do not consider you as part of my normal life experience. You are something outside of life, an anomaly. And perhaps it’s a blessing that I never got to make you a permanent part of my life, because I might have caused you to fall down like a star from heaven. I might have brought you into my mundane reality, into a world of flaws, stripping you of the glory you once had. Perhaps I would have finally found a reason to be angry at you, maybe I would have discovered things that irritated me about you. Is that not what happens when two people become familiar with each other? Like magnets we long for more and more time together, and once we have the opportunity to be together forever, then suddenly we are repulsive to each other.

Attraction is a blessing and a curse, a double edged sword that I cannot understand. When I don’t have you, I need you, but when I have you, I can’t stand you. When I don’t know you, I want to know you, and when I know you, I despise you. That is why I can’t be with you, Sakura. I don’t want my love for you to become a chore. I don’t want to have to pysche myself up to love you everyday, I want it to be this natural always. And the best way that can be, is if we end this right now. Our love needs distance to thrive. But you don’t want that – you are not able to bear distance between us. We are both not able. Because you and I are like magnets, tugging at each other from opposite sides of life. I am your North, you are my South. The nature of magnets is to draw ever closer until they come smacking against each other. And keeping myself from crashing into you is hard. Keeping a reasonable distance away from you is difficult. Because it requires us to deny who we are at the core – magnets.

You are not part of life, you exist outside of it. You are an anomaly in the ebbs and flows of my life. That’s why I recognised you, the first time our eyes connected. That’s why I was drawn to you, Sakura. See, my life has been very disappointing. The expectations that I had had of life, were shot through as with an arrow and deflated. Everything I had hoped to achieve as a young man, turned out to be sand once I grasped it in my hands. It was all not real. But you seemed like the only thing that was real. And for a moment I was comforted with my mundane existence because of you. But now, as our relationship is developing – I feel us getting to that all too familiar place – familiarity. And I told you that it would not end well for us if we crossed that line. But you were too weak to listen. And welcomed me to fully know you, stripping yourself down for me, not thinking that you yourself could become the peel that I would toss away once I had indulged of the fruit of you. But with the last ounce of self control, I had decided to be strong for the both of us. Because I didn’t want to end up throwing you away because I was satiated with you. Let my appetite for you never be appeased Sakura! I want to stay hungry for you. I want to stay thirsty for you, and abide at your well forever. I don’t want to lose the allure of an untasted wine. But you don’t understand that.

So please don’t take this as rejection. This is me protecting you. Protecting your crown, protecting your honour, protecting your virginity and protecting my love for you. I may never see you again, you might find someone who doesn’t mind drinking of you and becoming satisfied and bored with you. But as for me, knowing that there is a person like you on this earth, is enough.

Goodbye Sakura.”

A tear dripped onto that scruffy handwritten note, before Sakura carefully folded it back into its former square shape, tucking it into her bosom – close to her fractured heart.