Lives Between Walls

“Wow,” Sipho muttered, as he scanned at me up and down. I could feel my face was burning red, as I walked the walk of shame back to my seat. I was so embarrased. Sipho was going to rip me to shreds for lying to him. This was it, he would humiliate me in front of everyone at that coffee shop. Already I could see a few heads turning in our direction. “Sipho,” I started to explain, “I just, I didn’t want you to find out that way.” That snake of a waiter slithered away with a smug grin on his face, leaving me to face the music with the man I had loved so much. No more running Jessica, this was it, I would have to face the music. I watched him rub his eyebrows with his fore finger and thumb, his face bowed at the table. “So let me get this straight. You, are the girl I was chatting to on that website?” He asked, I could see he was struggling to process everything. I couldn’t blame him. I lied to him. “Yes,” I replied, with a quiver in my voice as I sat back down across him. I was fighting hard to hold back the tears. I had promised myself that I would not cry because of a man this year. No I would not. “But you’re a man!” He exclaimed. People around the restaurant started murmuring and looking in our direction. “Sipho please,” I tried to appease him, “I understand that you are agitated but please lets keep it down.” He slammed his fist on the table causing me to jump in shock. “Sipho please!” I yelled at him, “Just calm down and let me explain!” I noticed behind the counter, one of the waiters conversing with another man pointing in our direction. “Why did you lie to me Jessica?” He finally asked after a minute of silence, still looking downward. He seemed afraid to look at me in the eye – as though he was afraid he would fall in love again with this hideous beast. “Sipho, please look at me,” I pleaded with him. He slowly lifted up his head and looked at me. “Are you seriously going to look at me and tell me that there was no connection between us in all the conversations we have had online?” I asked him, unable to stop the tears from flowing down my face now. Sipho looked away. “Well? If you can look me in the face and deny it, I will leave this building right now,” I continued. “You will never see me again.” His continued silence infuriated me.

A chubby walrus of a man came to our table. He was wearing a concerned expression. “Hi guys,” he said in a warm tone, “Is everything okay here?” I waved him away, “Yes sir we are fine thank you.” He was obviously the manager from his concerned expression – worried about us causing a scene. Worried about his profits. “Okay well, do you guys mind keeping it down a bit, our other customers are very uptight when it comes to noise levels,” he said with a forced chuckle to try and soften the blow. I could tell he was trying really hard not to offend us.

Once he had left our table I turned back to Sipho, he was staring out of the window. To my shock and amazement his eyes where puffy and red. Was he crying? Oh my word. Does that mean he feels the same way about me still? Could he still love me even after he has found out the truth about me. Calm down Jessica, don’t get your hopes up too high. He could have been crying because he was disappointed. “Sipho,” I reached out my hand to him across the table, and touched his hand. He didn’t pull his hand away. “I am going to stand up and leave now, if you say nothing, I will believe that our conversation on the internet meant nothing to you. And we can rule this as one big misunderstanding,” I said softly. “One thing I will tell you is that because of what I am, love has been really difficult for me to find. But you were the one person who made me feel like there was hope for people like me. You were so understanding and non-judgmental online, I thought you would be the one person who would finally love me. I’m sorry I lied to you. But as you can see, this is why I did it.” He stared at me blankly in the face. Argh! I stood, grabbed my bag and stormed towards the door. Such disrespect, the audacity! Nothing is as painful as being ignored. Shout at me, swear at me, slap me anything! I was nearly out the door when I heard his voice, “F*ck you Jessica.” I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned back towards him, he pushed a small black box towards the centre of the table we had been sitting at. I slowly made my way back to the table and took the box and opened it. I gasped. A diamond ring! I nearly fell over backward because of my knees going so weak. “What?!” I was stunned. Had this man been intending to propose to me? It was all too much, I was struggling to breathe, I had to sit down.

“Yes Jessica!” He shouted. “I was planning to propose to the amazing woman I had met on the internet. I loved her that much and I was that sure of my love for her that I was willing to risk asking her to marry me the first time we met in person!” He was taking deep breaths, his fists clenched and tears now streaming down his eyes. He continued, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this Jessica! You were supposed to be beautiful!” His comment cut me. “I am beautiful!” I cried, “I am beautiful! Just not your type of – ” I couldn’t finish the sentence, my emotions got the better of me. I was sobbing silently at the table, my body heaving. I remembered all those years growing up and getting teased at school for how I looked. I remembered being asked to leave the church because I was a stumbling block. I remembered how I could never fit in, not with the boys and not with the girls. I was not worthy of my parent’s love. What a fool I was to think that I could be worthy of Sipho’s love. I mean look at him, those dreamy eyes, those curvy biceps – he probably could get any girl he wanted. “Jessica,” I felt his hand touch my shoulder. I looked up and there he was, reaching from across the table. He was wiping the tears from his face. “Look,” he said through a blocked nose, sniffling. I was happy that at least I wasn’t the only one crying. “The conversations we had online – there was a connection there I admit. But I think I didn’t expect you to look like this.” What?! I nearly felt like slapping him in the face. “Look like what exactly Sipho?!” I was infuriated. He sat back, “You know what I mean, you look like a man. Like this is not what I signed up for Jessica. As much as you are upset, I have to be honest.” I slumped onto the back of my chair disappointed. “Sipho, but you admit that inside me is the woman that you want to be with? In other words, if I didn’t look like this, you’d want to be with me?” I asked him with hope. “Jessica, I do feel a connection to you, but I don’t want to be ashamed of you when I show you to my peers. I am going to have to stare at your face every morning for the rest of my life when I wake up!” He replied, slightly agitated. I could hear the waiter who had ratted me out laughing hard as he walked passed our table. I was hurt. But I had to try one more time. “What if I went to a plastic surgeon?” I asked softly as I fiddled with my hands, looking down. Sipho was stunned. “What?” I lifted my eyes towards his. “You like who I am on the inside, but you don’t like the packaging. What if I could somehow change the packaging to one that you liked. Would you want to be with me then?” I asked. He was silent for a while, then he sighed staring out the window once more. What the heck could be more interesting than this conversation that was outside? Stop looking away from me! “Maybe,” he replied finally. “Maybe is not good enough Sipho, yes or no?” I pressed him further.

“Jessica,” he said to me in that voice that sent tingles through parts of my body. “Do you love the way you look?” His question caught me off guard. “What kind of a question is that?” I snapped back at him. “I’m hideous!!” Sipho, took back his black box with the ring inside. “Then why haven’t you done anything about it?” He asked. “You were prepared just now to undergo surgery so I could love you but you never once considered doing it so you could love yourself.” I was stunned. He was right. With all the technologies present in this age, why had I not considered improving myself for me. He continued, “If you don’t value yourself Jessica, and you don’t bother to love yourself, how do you expect other people to love you? How do you expect me to love you? What exactly am I loving?” I totally understood. What Sipho said resonated with my heart and I wondered how could I have been so blind. With that Sipho stood up and walked out of the coffee shop. That day a new relationship was born, a relationship with myself.

I began making an effort from that day forward, an effort to love myself and take steps towards becoming the person that I wanted to be. I stopped blaming people and my circumstances. I never did see Sipho again, but was grateful to have met him because if I hadn’t I’d still be waiting – not realizing that the love I was so desperately looking for, was all this time, inside me. Not realizing that the lady I was waiting for, was infact – me.