Lives Between Walls

“Help me Tobias! HELP ME PLEASE!“

I remember the day I met her. It was as though I had seen an angel, when I walked into that cake store and saw her at the till. Her face, was to my eyes, as the light of a thousand stars, too bright to stare at, and even when I looked away I couldn’t escape their glow. A pair of arched eyebrows, sat above her sweeping eyelashes, as her nebulous blue eyes took ahold of me, and pulled me towards her – I found myself moving my feet involuntarily. Her beautiful pink lips, dripping with goodness, melted into a smile, flashing her luminous heavenly-white teeth – to which my heart became a moth to the flame. I loved her instantly, and in that moment I knew that this was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my years with. My mother had sent me on an errand to the cake store that day, otherwise I might have missed out on an encounter with this goddess. But in hindsight, perhaps it might have been better if I hadn’t met her, because of the way things ended up. I remember I had walked over to her once I had regained composure, and asked to purchase the carrot cake. The way she had treated me that day, was with such kindness and respect, that it left a deep impression on me. There was an instant connection, and she made me feel like a man. Even though I was just 15 at the time, and she was 21, instantly right there I understood the definition of destiny and fate.

“Help me Tobias! HELP ME PLEASE!“

Following that day, I would keep coming back to the cake shop everyday after school. I would save up my lunch money instead of spending it, and I would make sure I bought a muffin from the cake shop every day, just so I could get to see her. I frequented that shop so much, that even her mother began to take notice, “Well if it isn’t our best customer,” she would chime cheerfully every time she saw me come in. My day felt complete and whole whenever I had seen Julia. I would be forlorn on the days I would come and not see her; the muffin wouldn’t taste as sweet if she was not the one handing it to me.

It was only after few weeks of my persistent visits, that she eventually realised that my interest was not really in the muffins – but rather in her. Julia was what I wanted, and she hesitated at first, because of her inhibitions about my age. But in the end she realised that I was about as man enough for her as any man could have been. She realised that I could make her happy, and fulfill her deep seated need for love. I still remember the day I asked for her number, and how she had refused initially, “Tobias, I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I had persisted, “Julia, I love you. That’s all that matters; age is just a number, but maturity is a choice.” She had shaken her head slowly with a tight lipped expression, and handed me the brown paper bag of muffins, “I think you should leave Tobias.” I reluctantly grabbed the bag and shuffled out that door. I was crushed that day, as I believed that I had lost her for good. That was of course until I got home and started eating one of the muffins. As I ate, I suddenly felt something in my mouth. It was like a piece of paper had been lodged in the muffin! I pulled it out and there it was! It was her number, stamped by a pink lip smear. Oh Julia you silly girl. Why did you have to toy with my emotions like that? Needless to say, that evening I was bouncing off the walls with elation.

“Tobias! “Help me Tobias! HELP ME PLEASE!“

For the next three years, we enjoyed sweet relational bliss together. We went out to watch movies, rode the rollercoasters of emotional ecstacy, and surfed the waves of the euphoria that came with being in love. Yes we did have ups and downs as well, like every couple does, but we would get through it. A love like ours was strong enough to withstand these little storms.

I remember the day we did something really crazy. Julia had been at my house, because my mother had asked her to come and assist dumb old me in preparation for my matric exams. We lived in a small town, and my mom knew her mom. And because Julia had come out with a whopping sevens distinctions in her matric year, her mother recommended her to my mother to help me out with my exam preparations. That ultimately had us spending even more time together. And naturally my mother did not suspect that we had been dating at the time because Julia was five years older than me. I remember her eyes being fixed on mine as she sat on the carpet across me – to horny teenagers too distracted to get anything done – books and notes scattered all over the living room floor. My mother had said that she was going out to see Aunt Molly next door, and she would be back in the next ten minutes. Julia had eyed me, her expression saying, “What could we possibly do within ten minutes?” She knew what was on my mind, and I definitely what was on hers. Physics of course – Newton’s law about how anything with mass had a force of attraction. That explained how my lips ended up pressed against hers, with my hands hungrily grabbing her slender frame – a bit of mathematics, as we subtracted her pink summer dress, leaving nothing – as we rolled around violently all over my books and notes, as our lust burned like a chemical reaction – chemistry. Then we scrambled to hide past events when we heard my mother walking back towards the door – history. I had quickly helped Julia brush her short black hair back into place just as my mother entered the house. “How’s the studying been going guys?” She had asked obliviously, “Really good Ms. Eckhart. I’m seeing BIG improvements in all his subjects.” Julia had replied with a lewd smile and a wink in my direction, quickly motioning to me that my zip was still open.

“Please help me Tobias, I can’t breathe!”

A few months later I decided that I wanted to propose to her. And I wanted to do it in the way that would be significant to us. I remember I had gone to her mother’s cake store while Julia was not around, and bought a few muffins. “Oh wow that is so romantic Tobi Tobs!” Her mother was thrilled when I told her about my ingenious plan. She usually called me that name when she was really excited. I didn’t mind, I thought it was cute. I had explained to her that I had wanted to hide the ring in the muffin, just like how Julia had done when she had given me her number. “And then you guys should get married here at my shop! That would make for such a cute story!” She had helped me to put the ring in one of the blueberry muffins. The ring was beautiful, made of rose gold, with a large diamond at the helm that protruded out – only the best would do for my Julia. My mother had given it to me for the proposal, it apparently belonged to my late grandmother. Eventually I had told my mother about us. The truth had to come out at some point.

“Tobias! Help me! Please don’t let me die!”

So on that day I recall I had asked her to be ready in the evening.

“Okay what should I wear?”

“Just a pair of jeans, and maybe that sexy crop top purple vest that I like?”

“What? In the evening? I don’t want to be cold Tobias.”

“Okay okay, just something comfortable and warm then. I’m just going to be wearing a denim jacket and jeans.”

“Okay, we’re not going to be doing anything crazy right?”

“If I tell you, it won’t be a surprise anymore.”

That evening we drove up that mountain, and parked right at the summit from where one could catch a full view of Orchidville town. It was quite a drive there, about an hour away from town, but the view was well worth it. “Oh its beautiful Tobias!” she exclaimed as we sat on the bonnet of my mom’s Toyota staring at the city – as diamonds on black velvet, that seemed to extend right up into the evening sky. “You deserve no less Julia,” I replied as I leaned in for a deep kiss. Then I went to the car, and shuffled in the back seat. Julia was curious, “What are you looking for?” I came back with a brown paper bag. She threw her head back let out a full throated laugh, instantly recognizing the packaging, “Oh wow Tobias. Muffins for supper? Like seriously?” I smiled faintly, “These are no ordinary muffins Julz. These are love muffins. You eat them and they make you fall in love, hard.” Julia skewed her eyebrows in uncertainty, “I hope you are not about to give me weed infused muffins.” I chuckled, “C’mon Julia, in the four years you have known me, have I ever touched that shit?” I handed her the one with the ring in it. She took it in her hand, and began to nibble on it. “It’s amazing how everything comes full circle,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, our relationship started with a muffin, and here we are again, bonding through a muffin. Clearly there’s ‘muffin’ that can ever stand between us!”

“Haha! You have no idea Julia.”

I watched her biting into that soft muffin, hoping that she would see the ring at any moment. But that moment never came. Shit. It must have been the wrong one, I quickly selected another muffin from the bag. “Here try this one Julia.” She seemed puzzled, “Please let me know now if you’re trying to fatten me up to offer me as a sacrifice on this mountain,” I laughed, “Oh no, I just want you to try different flavours.” I handed it to her, “Oh well, I can never say no to a blueberry muffin.” I watched her stuff her face with it. Surely now she would find the ring, and she would be so amazed that I went through all the trouble of doing this for her. I could just imagine the look on her little face when she found the ring in the muffin. “Why you looking at me like that?” She asked, puzzled, “Are these poisoned or what?”

“There you go Julz, thinking such noble things of me,” I replied with a smug expression. She was still munching on the muffin, when suddenly she dropped it on the ground and started clutching her chest in shock, collapsing onto the ground, “I… I can’t breathe!” I jumped up from the car bonnet and kneeled over her, “Julia what’s wrong?!” She writhed and twisted on the floor like a snake, holding onto her neck, “There was something in the muffin…. stuck in my throat. Can’t breathe!” Oh shit, oh hell, oh shit! She must have swallowed the ring. I quickly lifted her from the ground and made her sit up against the car tyre. I then grabbed her from behind and did an abdominal thrust to try and help her cough the ring out.

“Tobias! Help me! Please don’t let me die!”

I pushed and squeezed but the ring remained stuck. Instead she started coughing out blood. I screamed. Oh shit! “Oh shit I’m sorry Julia!” She was clearly in agony, “What did you do Tobias?! What was in those muffins?!”

“I… I … I put a ring in there, I wanted to propose to you.”

“Oh you idiot!! You bastard!! How could you.. have been so stupid?!”

“You weren’t supposed to eat it dammit!!”

Hardly a way to conclude a date that Saturday evening. Most couples usually ended it with a kiss, or a cup of coffee curled up in front of Netflix. Surely my heart had left my chest, because I could feel it pounding all the way in my throat. The hands that once could do no wrong in my eyes, delicate and gentle, now gripped ferociously onto my blood stained denim jacket, shoving me back and forth. I was numb, paralyzed by the shock – like a deer standing in the path of oncoming headlights, motionless.

I didn’t know what to do. I tried calling an ambulance, and they said they were on their way, but I knew by the time they got there it might already be too late. And the drive from here to Orchidville hospital would just be too far. Oh Julz just hang in there please! I lifted her up and tried to put her into the car. But by then, her screams had become faint whimpers as she struggled to breathe. Oh God no! No please! Please don’t die Julia! I lay my head on her chest and wept as I heard her life beat gradually leave her.

I floored the accelerator, making a bee line for the Orchidville police station and reported what had happened. “So you say you were on the mountain with this woman, when she accidently fell after she had lost her footing?” The policeman clarified. “Yes,” I replied. Sure enough, her bruised and mangled body was later found at the foot of the mountain, where I had tossed it down – confirming my story. I had to do that, if anyone found out that I was the one who killed her with my muffin stunt, how would I ever live it down? Her mom would never forgive me, and I would probably end up in jail – who knows? I was already emotionally numb, as all my dreams and hopes of being together with Julia had been brought to a grinding halt. You will never know pain until you have to tell a parent that her child was dead. Even harder was having to lie, about what really happened, and living with the guilt.

And that is why I decided to come clean to you today, Julia. What I didn’t know that day is that you didn’t die that night. Your body was recovered, and you were taken to the ICU. Unfortunately you suffered brain damage and broke your spine as you fell down the mountain. The doctor told me that you would be confined to life support, as you were not able to function mentally anymore. I was so afraid when they told me you survived Julia, I was afraid that they would find the ring inside you and then I would be implicated. I had to ask, “Doctor, did you by any chance find anything in her X-Rays?”

“Like what Tobias?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why would you ask that then?”

“This was my girlfriend okay?! I just want to know her full details of her state!”

“Jeez okay. Well if you must know, we didn’t see anything abnormal here. Just some odd scratches on her throat which still I can’t explain.”

I guess the ring must have popped out as you were tumbling down the mountain. Oh poor Julia. You are mentally disabled now, your once nebulous eyes are now glazed and lifeless, like you are staring at the eyes of death, the face that once shone like a thousand stars was now pale and scarred, your once gentle smile is now contorted and repulsive. However the doctor still believes that you can hear our voices. That’s probably why your mother still wants to keep you on life support. She knows it’s hopeless but doesn’t have it in her to turn off the machine. Perhaps this can be my last gesture of kindness to you Julia, to try and atone for my sins.

I reach for the switch, and flick it down, the whirring of the machine subsequently coming to an end – waiting a few good minutes before calling out to the nurse.

Can’t you see Julia? You being alive is a constant reminder of how much I failed, and how much I’ve lost. That is why you need to die. It’s been over three years since the incident and I have moved on, I am married now, to a woman whose face shines like a thousand stars. My wife is always asking me why I keep coming to see you so often. Truth is I can’t sleep. I am so filled with grief and remorse over what happened, that I am slowly sabotaging my own life. Why should we both die Julia? That’s why I am letting you go today, in hopes that I will finally find peace, and stop hearing your accusing screams.